The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
Every American, whether he’s a conservative or a buffoon, must surely agree that we would not want to break all historical precedent and possibly endanger our republic by indicting a former president of the United States unless his crime was truly egregious. But when an anonymous clerk in a man’s multi-billion dollar organization makes a vague bookkeeping entry in order to do something or other having to do with a crime no one can specifically name, it’s clearly time to act.
As you may not have heard if you were hiding in a closet sticking your fingers in your ears and imitating a kazoo playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic at full volume, Donald Trump was indicted this week for not wanting his wife to find out he committed adultery, a crime normally punishable by having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to your mistress, who ends up telling your wife anyway.
In a remarkable performance before the media, New York County District Attorney Alvin Bragg explained his actions without George Soros once moving his lips. In fact, several times during Bragg’s statement, Soros actually drank a glass of water and then lit a cigarette with the free hand that wasn’t shoved up Bragg’s ass in order to manipulate his face.
In his statement, Bragg argued that his indictment of Donald Trump on incomprehensible made-up charges was wholly in keeping with the traditions of America, if you include Central America, and other places ruled by Communist despots that happen to be named America for some ridiculous reason.
Bragg said, “We in New York City cannot normalize serious crimes on the first Tuesday in April at 2:30 in the afternoon. It’s not as if Donald Trump murdered or raped someone. If it was just that, I would happily release him on no bail so he could escape forever into the lawless depths of the savage jungle or Chicago. But a male politician who would have sex with shapely women and then pay them to keep their mouths shut has done something no male politician in the history of the world has ever done since last night. It is vitally important we act now to destroy the republic before men getting stupid in the presence of a really spectacular pair of breasts becomes standard behavior.”
Although the reading of the Trump indictment made it absolutely clear that Trump was specifically being charged with some damn thing or other, questions still remained. For instance, what is it about the term “hush money” that some women don’t understand? I mean, it’s right there in the word hush. It’s even right there in the last two letters of the word: Sh. Which means: after you take the money, you’re supposed to keep quiet about it instead of going on television to discuss the whole thing. Psychiatric experts are currently trying to determine why a man who is married to a supermodel who speaks five languages would cheat with a big-breasted bimbo who does not even have a rudimentary understanding of English, and while they’re not yet sure, they think it may have something to do with the size of her breasts.
As Donald Trump arrived at the Manhattan courthouse to plead not guilty to whatever the hell he was being charged with, pro- and anti- demonstrators took to the streets trying to send a message to Washington that they were physically unattractive and personally unhappy and had nothing better to do with their time than take to the streets.
Other reactions were more restrained. At the New York Times, a former newspaper, the entire staff solemnly gathered in the city room to smear each other’s naked bodies with honey and then lick it off as an expression of their mindless orgiastic pleasure at having finally triumphed over the dark forces of decency and common sense. Meanwhile, Republican voters across the nation vowed that they would strike back against the unfair indictment by acting stupidly out of blind anger in order to ensure that Democrats win every elected office until they learn their lesson. At the White House, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden made no statement at all on the indictment because sadly he had passed away six months ago and was now preparing to run for re-election.
On the positive side, in a country stumbling toward World War III while beset by historic inflation, unsustainable debt, and an oncoming banking crisis, at least we know that there is one crime that will never be tolerated in the city of New York. We just don’t know which crime it is.
Trigger Warning. I’m Andrew Klavan, and this is the Andrew Klavan Show.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
