Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris has selected Mostly Peaceful Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate. Mostly Peaceful Walz won the spot after Kamala rejected Pennsylvania Governor Joshua Shapiro. The rejection of Shapiro was not due to anti-Semitism according to DNC Spokesman Mohammed Akhbar Jihad Mohammed Jihad Akhbar. Akhbar said Kamala was just worried Shapiro might be mistaken for a Jew by Democrats and other people who don’t like Jews.
Shapiro had tried to circumvent the issue by changing his name to O’Connor and publicly eating a ham and cheese sandwich but his efforts failed when Democrat operatives discovered an op-ed he had written in college in which he said a Palestine-Israel two state solution might be difficult since everyone in Palestine has sworn to murder everyone in Israel. Between bites of his ham and cheese sandwich, Governor O’Connor apologized for the op-ed, saying he had written it when he was young and still believed honesty was the best policy. He also apologized for serving in the Israeli Defense Forces under the mistaken impression IDF stood for International Disney Funhouse, and he apologized for praying in Hebrew saying he could have sworn it was Latin. But after much thoughtful deliberation, Democrats still felt there was just something a little Jewy about the guy, and sent him home, saying his integrity would be returned to him at a later date, if they could find it.
So the position fell to Mostly Peaceful Tim Walz, who earned his nickname after allowing Minneapolis to burn to the ground during the mostly peaceful George Floyd riots. Governor Mostly said he would have sent the National Guard into Minneapolis sooner, but his wife was enjoying the smell of America in flames and he just loves that woman so, so much.
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Journalists and other Democrats immediately went to work trying to frame Governor Mostly as a moderate, describing him with words like “folksy,” “Mid-Western” and “not-entirely-Stalinist.” An editorial in the New York Times, a former newspaper, said, “Progressivism is great, but Governor Mostly Peaceful is not progressive, but if he were it would be great, but he’s absolutely not, though it’s totally great he is, if he were, which we assure you he isn’t, but it’s a great thing to be, though he’s not.”
Still there are some signs that the Mostly Peaceful folksy Midwesterner might be just a tad to the left of, say, the people he allowed to burn down Minneapolis. For instance, Governor Mostly once said, “One man’s socialism is another man’s neighborliness,” — which, of course, is true if another man’s neighbor steals all his money at gunpoint and distributes it among his political allies.
Governor Mostly also signed a bill allowing Minnesota doctors to cut off a child’s sexual organs if the child believes he’s the opposite sex. Kids who believe they’re pirates can also have one eye removed and one of their legs replaced with a wooden peg. And if they believe they’re Superman, doctors are allowed to throw them off the top of a building. The law — called the Fantasy Affirming Care Act — was largely written by Richard Levine on the walls of his cell in Arkham Asylum, before he escaped to resume his reign of terror as supervillain Admiral Rachel.
Some Minnesotans protested the Fantasy Affirming Care Act, saying it robbed parents of their rights, but those protestors fell silent after Mostly Peaceful Governor Tim Walz passed a new abortion law, allowing a child to be aborted right up until the moment he learned not to criticize Mostly Peaceful Governor Tim Walz. Governor Mostly said the law, called the Cat Lady Affirming Care Act, was meant to ensure Minnesota women would have no stake in the future, and would therefore feel perfectly comfortable with socialism.
Governor Mostly made his first appearance as a VP candidate at a huge rally of Democrats who were absolutely thrilled to be voting for animate, sentient human beings whoever the hell they were. As the governor spoke, one enthusiastic voter told reporters, “I am so happy we have candidates who will continue the policies that have left America weak and broke on the verge of World War III. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go join my husband onstage.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
