The head of London England’s Metropolitan Police Force is threatening to extradite Americans and arrest them for saying things he doesn’t like.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you elfin merchant of merriment, how on earth do you always manage to reach into your imaginational grab-bag of zany jocularity and pull up such mirthful gems of goofi-tudinous effervescence as the absurdly hilarious idea that a police commissioner in a country whose imperial army we kicked in the bum so hard it flew all the way back to their tiny irrelevant island of funny-talking homosexuals, would be crazy not to mention stupid enough to take time out from watching through his office window as a once-great nation of free Englishmen devolves into a violent hell-hole of teen-raping, machete-wielding, bomb-blasting Muslim extremists, in order to threaten a United States of individuals who seriously cannot fart in his face loud enough to express our disdain for him and his now-crappy little country?”

But no, so help me, I am not making this up.

While there are still many great police detectives solving serious crimes in Britain, like Inspector Morse and Inspector Morse when he was a younger man, they are limited in their jurisdiction by the fact of being imaginary. Whereas Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Mark Rowley, who would be imaginary in a better world, is in this world and ridiculously real. And while in this world, Muslim gangs in the U.K. have repeatedly groomed teenage girls as sex slaves while authorities looked the other way, and Muslim honor crimes such as murder, punitive gang rape and forced genital mutilation have risen 200 percent in the U.K. since 2016 while authorities looked the other way, and while Islamic terror accounts for nearly 70 percent of U.K. terror attacks while authorities let illegal Islamist immigrants swarm in unchecked, Sir Mark has been dispatching his officers to arrest Britons for having opinions and posting them on Facebook. And now, he’s threatening to extend this oppressive idiocy to people in our country where we just feel Sir Mark should, to translate this into his own language, bugger off and stick to arresting women who pray silently for abortion victims while his country turns into Afghanistan except full of funny-talking homosexuals, like in Afghanistan.

Sir Mark — who along with being the Metropolitan Police Commissioner also serves full time as a gormless twit — made his remarks after riots broke out across his country in the wake of a horrible murder. After years of being told that the massive illegal flood of immigrants into Britain was not causing the crime, abuse and terrorism it was causing, Angry White British People assumed the police, who had lied and lied and lied and then lied, were lying when they said the murders had not been committed by an illegal Muslim immigrant. Furious, the Angry White People stupidly clashed with Muslim people who did not kill anybody, since it turned out in this case, the police had broken with long-standing police protocol and were telling the truth.

WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

The Angry White People then decided that while they were stupidly rioting, maybe they should keep at it in the hopes that the authorities would stop the illegal immigration that was causing all the crime, abuse and terrorism. After all, the man who is now Prime Minister had been in favor of stupid race riots when British people stupidly rioted over the death of George Floyd as if they lived in America instead of their crappy little gay country. So the Angry White People figured, hey, we’re white, the illegals are brown, so this will be one of those stupid race riots the Prime Minister loves so very much.

Unfortunately, the Angry White People had not read the stupid race riot small print which says brown stupid race riots are great but white stupid race riots are so bad that even if you live in America and post about them on Facebook, Police Commissioner and Gormless Twit Sir Mark Funny-Talking Homosexual will come to America to arrest you, which would, in fact, promote brotherhood by bringing Americans of all races, colors and creeds together to kick Sir Mark in the bum so hard he goes flying back to Londonistan where he bloody well belongs.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Tickets for “Am I Racist?” are on sale NOW! Buy here for a theater near you.

WATCH THE TRAILER FOR ‘AM I RACIST?’ — A MATT WALSH COMEDY ON DEI

The Supreme Court, in a 5-4 opinion posted late Friday, has blocked the Biden Administration’s Title IX rules that would force schools that receive public funding to allow trans-identifying males into girls’ bathrooms, locker rooms, and sports.

The rules went into effect on August 1 for all but 26 states plus hundreds of additional schools, and expanded the definition of “sex” to include “sexual orientation and gender identity.” Title IX was originally implemented in 1972 and prohibited schools receiving public funding from discriminating against students based on sex.

In a 12-page ruling, the Supreme Court granted a temporary stay of the guidelines by siding with multiple other lower courts, which ruled against the Biden administration’s attempts to sever the sexual orientation and gender identity portions of the new rules from the guidelines as a whole, and allow the rest of the rewritten rules to go into effect. While the focus has been on transgender issues, the remaining rule changes eviscerate due process protections for students accused of sexual assault, protections that had been put into place under the Trump administration.

SCOTUS agreed with the lower courts, writing that “the new definition of sex discrimination is intertwined with and affects many other provisions of the  new rule,” meaning it couldn’t be severed from the rest of the guidelines.

Justices Sotomayor, Kagan, Jackson, and Gorsuch – a Trump appointee – dissented.

The block is only temporary as the legal system works slowly, and the Biden administration is appealing decisions in the lower courts.

On August 1, the day the new rules were supposed to go into effect, former President Donald Trump promised he would repeal the Biden administration’s rules on “day one” of his administration.

Trump posted on Truth Social: “I WILL KEEP MEN OUT OF WOMEN’S SPORTS!” and told radio hosts Clay Travis and Buck Sexton that he would do so on the first day of his administration.

“President Trump just pledged to all of us on @clayandbuck that men will not be allowed to compete against women in sports when he is elected president,” Travis said on X. “He promises to take care of it on day one and end Kamala and Biden’s new Title IX policies allowing this to happen.”

President Trump just pledged to all of us on @clayandbuck that men will not be allowed to compete against women in sports when he is elected president. He promises to take care of it on day one and end Kamala and Biden’s new Title IX policies allowing this to happen.

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) August 1, 2024

Twenty-six states previously blocked the Biden administration’s rules, with U.S. District Judge Terry Doughty, a Trump appointee, calling the new rules an “abuse of power” and a “threat to democracy.”

“Title IX was written and intended to protect biological women from discrimination,” Doughty wrote. “Such purpose makes it difficult to sincerely argue that, at the time of enactment, ‘discrimination on the basis of sex’ included gender identity, sex stereotypes, sexual orientation, or sex characteristics. Enacting the changes in the Final Rule would subvert the original purpose of Title IX: protecting biological females from discrimination.”

Other judges ruled similarly.

In his ruling, U.S. District Judge John Broomes, another Trump appointee, included a massive list of K-12 schools and universities across the country where the rules would also be blocked. That list came from schools attended by children of the defendants in that lawsuit, Moms for Liberty, and members of the Young America’s Foundation.