In the wake of two attempts on Donald Trump’s life, government officials are hard at work trying to determine why so many assassins are trying to kill a man government officials want dead. In their fearless pursuit of the truth, the Justice Department this week released a letter from the latest would-be killer in which the gunman offered $150,000 to anyone who would finish Trump off.

In an appearance before the news media, Attorney General Merrick Garland said, “I am absolutely appalled that this vicious criminal would offer so much money for what would be fifteen minutes’ work, twenty tops. It’s a very dangerous precedent. After all, just imagine what someone could buy with that much money! Even if you had to lay out, say, 6K for the sniper rifle, you’d still have enough left to buy almost anything you wanted. And boy oh boy, don’t the girls go for a man who flashes that big green? It’s disgraceful that anyone would think loyal Americans would take money to eliminate an existential threat to Democracy.”

The Attorney General went on to tell the news media, “The DOJ will do everything we can to foil the plans of fanatical Trump hating sociopaths, present company excepted.”

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Congress, meanwhile, continues its investigation into the security failures that led to the July attempt on Trump’s life in Butler, Pennsylvania. Democrat Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee Senator Gary Peters told reporters, “We are determined to find out how a sniper got on top of a roof only a hundred yards away from Trump with an absolutely perfect line of sight where it should have been almost impossible for him to miss. I mean, really, anyone but a complete incompetent could have made that shot! In any case, we will not rest until we know which faulty radio or local police officer is to blame for the Secret Service’s failure to do their only job. Since Ronald Rowe Jr. arranged security in Butler, he has been promoted to acting head of the Service, so he more than anyone wants to fix the lapses that allowed the shooter to get in a position where, really, how could he miss? It’s absolutely baffling.”

The committee released on-site transcripts of Secret Service Agents during the Butler attack, revealing several lapses in security. The transcripts read in part: 

Agent Brennan: President Trump has been shot!

Agent Rowe: Oh yeah, that reminds me. I think there’s a sniper on the roof. Also, we’ve received some credible threats against the president.

Agent Brennan: Well, luckily, the sniper missed.

Agent Rowe: How the hell could he miss? He was only a hundred yards away!

Even with the government making strenuous efforts to uncover something that sounds remotely like the truth, crazy conspiracy theorists continue to spin outlandish explanations for why a man with no motivational paper trail of any kind and no online presence except encrypted foreign bank accounts would first send a sophisticated drone to scout out a presidential appearance and then place himself in a perfect position to take an expert-level shot, which was only thwarted by the hand of God, even though God’s application to the Secret Service had recently been turned down because he’s a white man.

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On one Right-wing platform, for instance, an anonymous silhouette hailed by conservatives as the “most respected schizophrenic in America,” said that history reveals how a cabal of Jews forced Hitler to use precious resources exterminating them so that he would lose World War II, allowing the few surviving Jews to escape to America where they could nuke the Christians in Nagasaki and seize control of our space lasers so that at long last they could use their unbounded power to cluster together in a country the size of a postage stamp where everyone and his uncle can easily vaporize them. These same Jews are the ones who wanted Trump eliminated because he threatened to foil their mass suicide plan by bringing peace to the region.

Some conspiracy theories are more plausible, however. For instance, it is true that the attempts to assassinate Trump were illegal, anti-Democratic, directed at American dissidents and completely incompetent, so they did bear all the hallmarks of a CIA operation.

* * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

A 59-year-old woman said she just wanted to hold her new grandson as she was given time to speak during her sentencing in federal court in Nashville on Friday over her participation in a peaceful protest in March 2021 at a Tennessee abortion facility.

Heather Idoni was sentenced to eight months in prison over her conviction on violating the FACE Act and conspiracy against rights. Judge Aleta Trauger said Idoni will serve the time concurrently with the two years she is currently serving for a conviction on similar charges out of Washington, D.C. She will likely serve little extra time due to the new sentence because she has about one year left on her D.C. sentence. She was also given three years of supervised release followed by one year of probation.

The Biden administration’s Justice Department had hoped for the eight month sentence to be added to the end of her D.C. sentence so that she would be incarcerated for 32 months total. However, Trauger ruled against their petition for the time to be served consecutively.

Idoni was convicted in January over a sit-in protest at the Carafem Health Center in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. During the protest, Idoni and a group of others sang, prayed, and urged women not to get abortions.

The conspiracy against rights charge was originally a Reconstruction-era statute intended for use against members of the Ku Klux Klan that could be punished by over ten years in prison. The Biden admin has been using it to prosecute pro-lifers across the country.

Idoni, wearing a green jumpsuit and leg shackles, was given an opportunity to speak in court, during which she spoke of her Christian faith and the hardships she had already endured in federal custody. She began by reading from Proverbs 24:10-12, which talks about rescuing “those being led away to death” and holding “back those staggering toward slaughter.”

Idoni also said that federal marshals had mistreated her since she entered federal custody back in August 2023. She said that some marshals had put chains so tight around her waist that she struggled to breathe when she sat down and that one marshal told her she would tighten it more if she complained again.

Since entering federal custody, Idoni has also had three stints put into her heart, complicating her treatments as she has been transported across the country to at least eight different prisons.

“I would love to be home with my family,” she said. “I would love to hold my new grandson.”

DOJ lawyer Wilfred Beaye argued that the sentence should be tacked onto her current time because she has a “history of disrespecting the law” and said that eight months was low on what they could have asked for due to federal sentencing guidelines.

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William Conway, Idoni’s lawyer, requested that she be sentenced to time served and three years of supervised release.

Trauger said that she took Idoni’s history of charitable work, including mission work to Ukraine and adoption of kids, as well as her difficult childhood and health problems as mitigating factors. She said that aggravating factors were that she had a “blindspot” for her beliefs that led her to “inflict emotional damage on other people.”

After sentencing, a group of supporters waited outside the courthouse to wave signs as she was driven away by federal marshals to a federal prison in Kentucky where she is currently incarcerated. A few held up signs saying “happy birthday” because Idoni will be turning 60 on Saturday.