President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden says he will not call off his campaign for re-election just because his debate performance proved he should call off his campaign for re-election.

In a statement made to a mop which he mistook for a twelve-year-old girl with really nice-smelling hair, Biden said “Just because I had one bad debate, doesn’t mean I can’t shenagin boygin sobus faben duben. Sure, I’m not moving as well as I used to, and my voice sounds rough sometimes, and when it comes to going to the bathroom, it can be virtually impossible and then suddenly take me completely by surprise, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the afternoon and find myself surrounded by people talking to me about Ukraine when I’ve already explained that the Ukraine money is safely hidden in one of my shell companies, but the point is, sure, I’ve lost some of my faculties, maybe all of my faculties, but if you think that’s going to stop me from waging nuclear war at the highest possible level, well, all I can say is: Just watch me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years in government, it’s that you’ve got to take a stand, because walking is really, really hard. So for anyone who thinks I’m senile, let me ask you one question: why does this little girl’s hair smell like cleaning fluid?”

President Biden made his statement to the attractive mop despite fears expressed by his top donors often in the form of hysterical high-pitched screams or just by sitting curled up in a corner of the kitchen floor quietly sobbing, “Please, please, give me back my money.”

The crisis in the Biden campaign arose after a sub-par debate performance in which the president stared into empty space slack-jawed and drooling before droning incomprehensibly and repeatedly saying, “Look, here’s the deal,” for no discernible reason, then finally declaring war on Romania under the impression it was Hungary and had fired a missile at Bulgaria by which Biden meant Sweden, after which he fell off the podium, rolled out the stage door and ran naked through the street shouting “Olly, olly oxen free!” The White House explained the president was suffering from a cold and said he would do much better in the next debate if they could find a sorcerer to make time run backward.

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In the aftermath, several journalists who had repeatedly declared that Biden was sharp as a tack changed their tunes. For instance, Carl “This is Worse than Watergate” Bernstein said, “This is worse than Watergate. During Watergate I could take vengeance on Richard Nixon for being completely right about Communism and they made a movie about it in which I was played by Dustin Hoffman, but now I just look like a low dishonest fool who kept cheating on my various wives until I morphed into a fat old woman living off a past moment of false glory by constantly declaring everything is worse than Watergate, which is worse than Watergate.”

Conversely, MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough shredded his reputation before the debate by lying to cover up the president’s obvious senility, but after the debate, he gathered up the shreds of his reputation, jammed them into a trash compactor, ground them to dust, then swallowed the dust in handfuls until he choked on it while squeezing out his dying words, “Joe Biden is fine.”

The New York Times, a former newspaper, reacted to the debate by calling on Biden to resign in an editorial which said in part, “Joe Biden has had a long and honorable career of serving his country in the role of unprincipled hack with a lucrative side business in influence peddling not to mention a mean streak as wide as Montana, but now it’s time for him to step down before someone realizes this newspaper is printing complete garbage.”

Although some Democrat officials are trying to find a replacement for Biden, their search is hampered by Democrat identity politics that has elevated people according to gender and skin color rather than competence and therefore has no one in the wings who isn’t as stupid and corrupt as Kamala Harris because she’s Kamala Harris.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

President Joe Biden’s top political supporters believe that the president is not really in charge of running the country and have noticed that he has experienced a serious decline in his mental fitness for office, according to a new report.

The report published this week from left-wing journalist Olivia Nuzzi — who admitted in her piece that she had much of this information since January — outlined the fallout from Biden’s disastrous debate performance last week against former President Donald Trump and the effort by Biden World to hide the truth from the American people.

Following the debate, Biden met with top donors at the private mansion of New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy (D) where his worlds dissolved “into an incoherent gurgle” despite efforts by his staff to present him as sharp by only exposing him during a short window when he is supposedly at his best.

The reporter said that in January, elite coastal Democrats had already “arrived at the same concern: Could he really do this for another four years? Could he even make it to Election Day?”

The report said:

Those who encountered the president in social settings sometimes left their interactions disturbed. Longtime friends of the Biden family, who spoke to me on the condition of anonymity, were shocked to find that the president did not remember their names. At a White House event last year, a guest recalled, with horror, realizing that the president would not be able to stay for the reception because, it was clear, he would not be able to make it through the reception. The guest wasn’t sure they could vote for Biden, since the guest was now open to an idea that they had previously dismissed as right-wing propaganda: The president may not really be the acting president after all.

Democrat officials, donors, and activists said that it was becoming harder to get ahold of the president, even for matters directly related to his responsibilities as president, and that he was instead “cocooned within mounting layers of bureaucracy, spoken for more than he was speaking or spoken to.”

“Who was actually in charge? Nobody knew. But surely someone was in charge? And surely there must be a plan, since surely this situation could not endure?” the report continued, adding that the nation’s most elite liberal Biden supporters believe that there is “a secret group of high-level government leaders who control Biden and who will soon set into motion their plan to replace Biden as the Democratic presidential nominee.”

The reporter said that she encountered Biden in a basement in April after running into first lady Jill Biden, for whom she says that she had a personal affection. She said that Jill Biden showed a “panicked expression” when she realized that the reporter was going to get an up-close view of the president.

The reporter then described meeting Biden, saying that his demeanor conveyed “something not of this earth.”

“My heart stopped as I extended my hand to greet the president. I tried to make eye contact, but it was like his eyes, though open, were not on. His face had a waxy quality. He smiled,” the report said. “He took my hand in his, and I was startled by how it felt. Not cold but cool. The basement was so warm that people were sweating and complaining that they were sweating. This was a silly black-tie affair. I said ‘hello.’ His sweet smile stayed frozen. He spoke very slowly and in a very soft voice. ‘And what’s your name?’ he asked.”

She said that reporters play a game where they make guesses about “how dead” Biden appears to be, something that they never report on, and they do so in terms of a percentage. Following the event, one of them guessed “Forty percent.”