The AMC networks have attached a trigger warning to the classic mafia movie “Goodfellas.” The warning reads — and as God is my witness, I am not making this up — “This film includes language and/or cultural stereotypes that are inconsistent with today’s standards of inclusion and tolerance and may offend some viewers.”
Apparently, AMC was concerned the violent antics of Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci would offend those viewers who wish to include and tolerate Italian Americans so Italian Americans won’t set their restaurant on fire and empty a thirty-eight into their face before burying their bullet-riddled body in the Jersey Pine Barrens.
Now, some people may feel that putting a trigger warning on Martin Scorsese’s greatest film is an idea so stupid it must have been dreamed up by some dribble-faced DEI hire who can’t tell the difference between sensitivity and a whoopee cushion. But AMC defended the action in a statement issued by Paul Dribbleface, Vice President in charge of Sensitivity or Whoopee Cushions, like, Whichever.
The Dribbleface statement reads, “Me are putting warning words on moving picture story to show watching peoples AMC be sensitivity-like toward Italian Americans so Italian Americans don’t kill us because they is all gangsters.”
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The statement goes on to say that AMC will be adding appropriate trigger warnings to other classic movies as well.
For instance, Steven Spielberg’s “Schindler’s List” will now come with a warning that reads, “This film depicts virulent antisemitism followed by the mass slaughter of Jews as if that were a bad thing, and may therefore offend students at Harvard University.”
The 1939 classic Wizard of Oz will come with a warning that reads “This film depicts dwarves as absolutely adorable little creatures who sing in hilarious high pitch voices and wear gaily colored clothes while prancing happily around a skipping girl, which may offend those dwarves who are still bitter about the fact that Snow White treated them like de-sexualized children but was perfectly willing to put out for the first tall guy who came riding up out of nowhere and kissed her without her consent.”
The Humphrey Bogart perennial “Casablanca” will begin with a notice that warns viewers, “This film depicts Americans sacrificing their personal happiness to defeat a threat to world peace and freedom and is inconsistent with today’s American standards of total selfishness masquerading as political courage — or resistance or some other damn thing — when it’s really just a bunch of ill-educated adolescent ding-dongs risking absolutely nothing while hiding behind masks and screaming at people.”
And, of course, the American epic “Gone With the Wind” will now include the warning, “This film may trigger MeToo victims because it includes a depiction of a woman using sex to get what she wants and then not complaining about it or blaming someone else. Also, we’re not totally sure black people were really quite this happy about being slaves.”
With some films, AMC plans to simply edit out any offensive material that might cause viewer discomfort. For example, the scene in “Goldfinger” where Sean Connery smacks a girl on the backside and tells her to run along has been deleted so it won’t upset feminists by reminding them that getting smacked on the backside by Sean Connery is actually one of their life goals. The scene in “Dracula” where the vampire bites a scantily clad girl on the throat will be deleted because most of the AMC audience is the same age as Dracula, and we don’t want to give them any ideas.
By attaching trigger warnings to classic movies and editing out offensive scenes, executives at AMC are hoping to cement their reputation as the dumbest group of human beings who can still manage to dress themselves without falling over. That way, when people finally realize there’s no longer any point in watching movies interrupted by commercials, they might still send a few dollars to the AMC staff out of pity, realizing anyone idiotic enough to put a trigger warning on great old movies is unlikely to be able to find another job after their moronic network vanishes up the fundament of its own stupidity.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
