In the wake of damning testimony linking president and venal houseplant Joe Biden to a multi-million dollar influence peddling scheme, the Justice Department has indicted Donald Trump again. The day after Devon Archer told congress that Joe Biden personally helped his son Hunter bilk millions of dollars from businesses and hostile foreign nations, Federal Prosecutor Jack Smith charged Trump with three counts of saying stuff.

The DOJ’s rapid fire response to Archer’s testimony implicating the president in his son’s sleazy pay-to-play schemes confirmed Jack Smith’s commitment to seeking justice against Trump without delay. For instance, on June 8th, the day after Congress released evidence that Joe Biden had taken bribes from a Ukrainian oligarch, Smith immediately indicted Trump for keeping classified documents at Mar-a-Lago. On July 27th, the day after Hunter Biden’s crooked sweetheart deal fell apart in open court, Smith piled some more charges onto the indictment. Smith swears that he will continue to act swiftly to bring Trump to justice whenever the Bidens are exposed doing anything illegal.

The new indictments center around prosecutor Smith’s complex legal theory that “he ain’t got no badges, but he don’t need no badges, because he don’t got to show you no stinking badges.” Speaking to a reporter from NBC news, while the reporter lay on his back and Smith scratched his tummy, Smith explained he’d indicted Trump because Trump claimed he had “actually won” the 2020 election and that “These claims were false.”

Thus according to this complex legal theory, a statement made by a politician that Jack Smith believes is false is not covered by the First Amendment’s guarantee of Free Speech. To give an example, if a politician were to say, “Jack Smith is a corrupt dirtbag who’s willing to tear up the Constitution to get at his political enemies,” that politician could be indicted because Jack Smith is a corrupt dirtbag who’s willing to tear up the Constitution to get at his political enemies. So, okay, maybe that’s not such a good example. But you get the idea. I think at this point, we all get the idea.

News outlets across the media political spectrum, from the Left all the way to the far-Left, reacted to the news of Joe Biden’s widespread corruption by breaking off their coverage of women’s soccer to announce the Trump indictments. On Knucklehead Row, the op-ed page of the New York Times, a former newspaper, editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote, “The prosecution of Donald Trump for saying things may sound unconstitutional but I don’t care because Trump is a doody-head and I hate, hate, hate him so, so much and he has cooties and smells like poo.”

On ABC News, anchorman David Muir was in the midst of explaining that Devon Archer’s damning testimony about Joe Biden’s corruption was nothing serious at all, when news of the Trump indictment broke, causing Muir to breathe a sigh of relief, and say, “Thank heavens I can change the subject because for a minute there I was beginning to sound like a lying sack of crap.”

More Trump indictments could be on the way after Project Veritas verified Ashley Biden’s diary, in which the president’s daughter expressed her fear of taking showers in her youth because her father liked to join her — behavior so disgusting that Trump could be charged with pedophilia.

In fact, Republican voters are now beginning to worry that Joe Biden is such a walking cesspit of moral depravity, Trump will have to spend most of his campaign funds on legal fees.

On the other side of the aisle, Democrats continue to claim that Republican investigations into Joe Biden’s lifelong history of rank corruption are nothing more than a witch hunt if by a witch you mean Joe Biden’s lifelong history of rank corruption. New York Congressman Daniel Goldman, a man so dishonest we can’t be totally sure he’s really from New York or a congressman or named Daniel Goldman, said, “Republicans investigating the Biden family’s influence peddling are merely attempting to distract the public from oh look, there’s a Trump indictment and also a squirrel.” Fact Checkers later found the alleged congressman allegedly named Daniel Goldman lied about the Republicans and Biden’s corruption and there was no squirrel.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) criticized the Biden administration during an interview this week over the poor conditions on the U.S. southern border.

The Republican presidential candidate made the remarks during an interview with Fox News while he was visiting the U.S.-Mexico border on Friday.

“The biggest difference between 2019 and now, two words: Joe Biden,” Scott said. “When you have a president who unleashes a wide open, unsafe, insecure border, we cannot be surprised by more than six million illegal crossings. However, the devastation of 70,000 Americans who lost their lives to fentanyl because Joe Biden refuses to close our southern border. Preventable. As President of the United States, I will finish this wall and I will use the available technology to surveil our border to stop fentanyl from killing another 70,000 Americans in the next 12 months.”

Scott said that local law enforcement has told him that the continued surge in illegal immigration has devastated their communities.

“The devastation that we are experiencing as Americans is preventable — much of it is preventable if we finish the wall, use technology, fire Joe Biden, and hire me,” he said. “I will be the president that finishes the wall and takes seriously the opportunity to save tens of thousands of Americans from the drug of fentanyl.”

Scott said that he was not discouraged by a recent poll from The New York Times that showed former President Donald Trump at 54%, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis at 17%, and everyone else at 3% or less.

“What I’m excited about is in Iowa, we’re already in third place,” he said. “We continue to see our poll numbers move. What we are understanding every single day is that the voters in Iowa want an optimistic, positive message anchored in conservatism — as long as you have a backbone. The more we meet people, the more excited we are about the future of this campaign.”

“The good news is we’ve not yet started the sprint,” he said. “We’re still in the long journey. The sprint starts in the fourth quarter. I’m excited that we’ll be at the finish line and we’ll get there first. January the 14th.”

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