‘Barbie’ Is The Worst Film I’ve Never Seen

Well, everybody seems to have something to say about the new “Barbie” film, the summer blockbuster that used up so much pink paint on its set designs it actually caused a pink paint shortage, spreading panic among people who panic over pink paint. The film has inspired so much online commentary, it also threatens to cause a shortage of pixels, spreading panic among people who panic over pixels, who turn out to be the same people who panic over pink paint, and climate change and other meaningless nonsense.

On the Right, commentators thought the film sucked because it was a shrill, man-hating feminist screed. On the Left, commentators thought the film sucked but had to pretend to like it because it was a shrill, man-hating feminist screed. The only person who seemed to enjoy the movie was Ben Shapiro, who loved it so much he actually bought his own Barbie and played with it until the fire department came and put it out.

So many people have commented on “Barbie” that there’s very little left for me to say. So I’ve decided to do something totally original by offering my comments on “Barbie” without actually watching the movie. Now you may ask yourself: What’s the point of that? And the point is: I don’t have to watch a movie that’s about Barbie. Because frankly, if I have to choose between watching a movie about Barbie and sticking a screwdriver so far into my ear that only the handle sticks out, you’ll soon have to call me Old Screwdriver Ear as in the sentence, “Boy, that Old Screwdriver Ear sure didn’t want to watch a movie about Barbie.” And that would be true. Not caring about “Barbie” is kind of a passion with me. It’s the reason I forced my daughter to grow up by sticking a pistol in her face and saying, “Grow up, kid, or I’ll blast you.” And all right, it wasn’t a real pistol. But she didn’t know that, and you can bet she grew up in a big hurry.

Anyway, instead of watching “Barbie,” I went to see “Oppenheimer,” a movie so long that when it premiered in Tokyo, the Japanese surrendered again. And now that I haven’t seen “Barbie” for a full three hours plus trailers, here’s my review.

As you know, feminists hate “Barbie” because she’s shapely and feminine and blond and wouldn’t really become an astronaut or a surgeon or a cowgirl because a woman who’s shapely, feminine and blonde can have a totally happy life without bothering to become any of those things. But to me all this feminist hostility is misplaced. I mean, Barbie has no vagina so she can’t get laid, her breasts don’t give milk so she’d make a lousy mother, and her head is made of plastic — so to me she sounds just like all the other feminists. Anyway, I sat down to not watch this movie not knowing what to expect.

And frankly, I hated it. “Barbie” is the worst film I’ve never seen. It’s even worse than “Real Women have Curves,” which was so bad I didn’t watch it twice. To show you how bad “Barbie was,” let me sum up the plot, which I know nothing about because I didn’t watch the movie. I didn’t even read the summary on Wikipedia because I didn’t want to have to walk around with some damn screwdriver stuck in my ear.

“Barbie” begins in Barbieland, where it’s not very exciting because the only man around is Ken and he’s obviously gay or he wouldn’t dress like that. Also, the roller blades are a giveaway. Barbie decides to go to the real world where the women complain to her that being a woman is hard because of men. So obviously, this isn’t the real real world but there are some similarities, like the women complaining all the time and blaming men. Finally, Barbie meets a wise woman who explains that being a woman is very hard because of men. So Barbie returns to Barbieland and starts to complain about everything while blaming men, and Barbieland becomes just like reality only plastic.

So that’s my review. And if you listened to this and thought, “What the hell was the point of that?” you may have missed the part where I explained that I didn’t have to watch “Barbie.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Trump Vows To Run For President From Prison If He’s Convicted

Former President Donald Trump vowed on Friday that he would run for president from the inside of a prison cell if he is convicted in the criminal cases that he faces.

Trump made the remarks during an appearance on a pro-Trump radio show with John Fredricks when he was asked if a conviction would stop his third presidential campaign.

“Not at all. There’s nothing in the Constitution to say that it could,” Trump said. “Even the radical Left crazies are saying, ‘No, that wouldn’t stop!’ And it wouldn’t stop me either.”

Trump later posted on social media that Special Counsel Jack Smith, who is prosecuting the two federal criminal investigations into Trump, should be jailed.

“They ought to throw Deranged Jack Smith and his Thug Prosecutors in jail, with Meritless Garland and Trump Hating Lisa Monaco,” Trump wrote. “They have totally Weaponized the Department of Injustice. Whatever happened to the Crooked Joe Biden Boxes Case? Why was Hillary Clinton allowed to delete 33,000 emails, many of them Classified, AFTER getting a Subpoena from Congress? Why was Bill Clinton allowed to take tapes out of the W.H. in his socks? Why has no other President ever been charged? ELECTION FRAUD!”

The comments from the former president come after he was charged on Thursday with three additional counts in the federal criminal probe into his handling of classified information after he left the White House.

Trump was charged with one additional count of willful retention of national defense information and two additional obstruction counts stemming from alleged attempts to delete surveillance footage at Mar-a-Lago after investigators had delivered a subpoena to Trump seeking the materials that he had in his possession.

One of the key revelations in the new superseding indictment is that prosecutors now have in their possession the document that Trump allegedly showed to a writer and a publisher during a recorded interview in July 2021 at his golf club in Bedminster.

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After he was first indicted in the case, Trump claimed in media interviews that he was not holding up any documents and that it was a case of him displaying too much “bravado.”

“I would say it was bravado; if you want to know the truth, it was bravado,” Trump said. “I was talking and just holding up papers and talking about them, but I had no documents. I didn’t have any documents.”

However, the new superseding indictment makes clear that prosecutors are now in possession of the document.

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