The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Former President Donald Trump was arraigned in federal court this week by a Justice Department led by Merrick Garland, who was arraigned in federal court this week on charges of covering up the corruption of Hunter Biden, who was arraigned in federal court this week for sniffing cocaine off a hooker’s backside or vice versa while soliciting bribes from Ukrainian oil executives who were arraigned in federal court this week for paying off President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden who was arraigned in federal court this week for accepting five million dollars in bribes in an influence peddling scheme that was uncovered by Former President Donald Trump who was arraigned in federal court this week.

Legal experts say the charges could result in at least 35,000 members of the federal government being convicted in federal court and locked together in a federal prison where federal inmates routinely engage in violent, sadistic and animalistic homosexual activities, which the federal government celebrated this week in a Pride Month ceremony at the White House where federal officials illegally raised a rainbow flag above the American flag and were then arraigned in federal court, along with a transgender activist who took off his shirt at the federal event, revealing what I have to say were the best pair of knockers I’ve ever seen on a guy… so at least someone at the pride ceremony actually had something to be proud of.

White House Spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said President Biden was not concerned about his arraignment on bribery charges, and was planning to spend a relaxing weekend in the crumbling ruins of his gothic castle continuing his scientific experiments trying to turn boys into girls while the thunderstorm outside drowns out their pitiful screams. By Monday, the president should be back in the capital where he’s scheduled to engage in a running gun battle with police while speeding down K Street in a 1925 Roadster, firing his tommy gun out the window and screaming “You’ll never take me alive, John Law.” Miss Identity Hire said this will in no way detract from the pride the president plans to feel when he’s committing sodomy in federal prison.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, reacted to his arraignment by praying with supporters, telling them God would prevent his conviction or else God was a big fat loser. Then, grunting wordlessly, he abducted a local woman and carried her to the top of the Empire State Building, where he swatted away the World War I biplanes trying to shoot him down, causing his approval rating among Republicans to rise to 73%, nearly 50% higher than his nearest rival, the actual King Kong, although only the one from the black and white movie, not the one who couldn’t even manage to knock off those necklaces covering Jessica Lange’s breasts, which reportedly are almost as impressive as the ones on the guy at the pride event. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis meanwhile gave a speech to seventeen supporters in a Tallahassee gas station, revealing his fifteen point plan to undress Jessica Lange.

Now after a week like this, there are some people who say our government’s corruption, sexual deviance, international malfeasance, personal childishness, ceaseless lies, sexual deviance again and did I already mention corruption have reduced this once great country to the level of a banana republic only without the cool uniforms unless you happen to really be into studded leather. But no, I’m not going to say a single bad word about our government because, damn it, I still believe that I can avoid being indicted on some ridiculous politically motivated charge. Despite our troubles, I can always lift my eyes to the flag and say, “What schmucky freak hung a rainbow flag on the White House and how come he’s got such a nice rack?” After all, this country has seen bad times before, and sure, that was back when it was worth fighting for, but still, God is in his heaven and I can always turn to him and say, “Listen, God, if I can find 50 righteous people in this country, do you think you could keep from destroying it with fire and brimstone until my plane lands in Zurich?”

So just remember, no matter how unscrupulous our officials become, no matter how degenerate our sexual relations are, no matter how criminally our law officers behave, no matter how dishonest our news media is, no matter how twisted, degraded, sick and evil…. Eh, I forgot what I was saying. Anyway, I’ve gotta catch that plane.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Florida Governor and Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis said during an interview this week that a key component for turning America around is going to be people turning back to their faith.

DeSantis made the remarks during an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) while discussing a range of issues related to his faith.

“I always believed that it doesn’t matter where you start,” DeSantis said. “If you put that nose to the grindstone and work hard, God has a plan for you and you can do well in this country.”

DeSantis said that his Catholic faith has kept him grounded and that he focuses on living out his faith versus just talking about it.

“Our household is a Christ-centered household,” DeSantis said. “We’re raising our kids with those values. We think that that’s very important. … It’s great for us when our kids are coming back from preschool or kindergarten, talking about David and Goliath and we’re like, thank you. So we’re very, very appreciative of being able to do that. … My son, he was four for Christmas this year, he wanted a sling to be like David slaying Goliath, and so that really warms our hearts when we see that.”

The governor said that the piece of scripture that is central to who he is is when Jesus said, “I’m the way, the truth, and the life.”

“I mean, that’s ultimately what the faith centers around,” DeSantis said. “Yes, there’s a lot of traditions and I think a lot of those are nice, but at the end of the day, where is your heart with respect to God and what is that relationship?”

DeSantis called out former President Donald Trump during the interview for not backing Florida’s heartbeat law.

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“While I appreciate what the former president has done in a variety of realms, he opposes that bill,” he said. “He said it was ‘harsh’ to protect an unborn child when there’s a detectable heartbeat. I think that’s humane to do.”

“I mean, I was really surprised because he’s a Florida resident and I thought he would compliment the fact that we were able to do the heartbeat bill, which pro-lifers have wanted for a long time,” he added. “He never complimented, never said anything about it. Then he was asked about it and he said it was ‘harsh.’”

DeSantis said that in order for the country to get turned around, people are going to have to start returning to their faith.

“It’s got to be spiritual,” he said. “And I think it’s got to be a strong faith, that is really going to get us through very turbulent times.”

“Look, at the end of the day, there’s certain problems, economic problems, there’s problems at the border, they are all very important, but why are we here?” he asked. “Why are we free people? We’re free because God has endowed us with inalienable rights. That’s why America was founded. Our Constitution was created, not to give us rights, but to protect the rights that God has already bestowed upon us.”