After You Take The Money, You’re Supposed To Keep Quiet

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

Every American, whether he’s a conservative or a buffoon, must surely agree that we would not want to break all historical precedent and possibly endanger our republic by indicting a former president of the United States unless his crime was truly egregious. But when an anonymous clerk in a man’s multi-billion dollar organization makes a vague bookkeeping entry in order to do something or other having to do with a crime no one can specifically name, it’s clearly time to act.

As you may not have heard if you were hiding in a closet sticking your fingers in your ears and imitating a kazoo playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic at full volume, Donald Trump was indicted this week for not wanting his wife to find out he committed adultery, a crime normally punishable by having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to your mistress, who ends up telling your wife anyway.

In a remarkable performance before the media, New York County District Attorney Alvin Bragg explained his actions without George Soros once moving his lips. In fact, several times during Bragg’s statement, Soros actually drank a glass of water and then lit a cigarette with the free hand that wasn’t shoved up Bragg’s ass in order to manipulate his face.

In his statement, Bragg argued that his indictment of Donald Trump on incomprehensible made-up charges was wholly in keeping with the traditions of America, if you include Central America, and other places ruled by Communist despots that happen to be named America for some ridiculous reason.

Bragg said, “We in New York City cannot normalize serious crimes on the first Tuesday in April at 2:30 in the afternoon. It’s not as if Donald Trump murdered or raped someone. If it was just that, I would happily release him on no bail so he could escape forever into the lawless depths of the savage jungle or Chicago. But a male politician who would have sex with shapely women and then pay them to keep their mouths shut has done something no male politician in the history of the world has ever done since last night. It is vitally important we act now to destroy the republic before men getting stupid in the presence of a really spectacular pair of breasts becomes standard behavior.”

Although the reading of the Trump indictment made it absolutely clear that Trump was specifically being charged with some damn thing or other, questions still remained. For instance, what is it about the term “hush money” that some women don’t understand? I mean, it’s right there in the word hush. It’s even right there in the last two letters of the word: Sh. Which means: after you take the money, you’re supposed to keep quiet about it instead of going on television to discuss the whole thing. Psychiatric experts are currently trying to determine why a man who is married to a supermodel who speaks five languages would cheat with a big-breasted bimbo who does not even have a rudimentary understanding of English, and while they’re not yet sure, they think it may have something to do with the size of her breasts.

As Donald Trump arrived at the Manhattan courthouse to plead not guilty to whatever the hell he was being charged with, pro- and anti- demonstrators took to the streets trying to send a message to Washington that they were physically unattractive and personally unhappy and had nothing better to do with their time than take to the streets.

Other reactions were more restrained. At the New York Times, a former newspaper, the entire staff solemnly gathered in the city room to smear each other’s naked bodies with honey and then lick it off as an expression of their mindless orgiastic pleasure at having finally triumphed over the dark forces of decency and common sense. Meanwhile, Republican voters across the nation vowed that they would strike back against the unfair indictment by acting stupidly out of blind anger in order to ensure that Democrats win every elected office until they learn their lesson. At the White House, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden made no statement at all on the indictment because sadly he had passed away six months ago and was now preparing to run for re-election.

On the positive side, in a country stumbling toward World War III while beset by historic inflation, unsustainable debt, and an oncoming banking crisis, at least we know that there is one crime that will never be tolerated in the city of New York. We just don’t know which crime it is.

Trigger Warning. I’m Andrew Klavan, and this is the Andrew Klavan Show.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Kyrsten Sinema Gearing Up For Re-Election Bid As An Independent: Report

Senator Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) is preparing to run for re-election in 2024.

Sinema, who ran as a Democrat in 2018 but disaffiliated from the party in December 2022, is gearing up to run for a second term in 2024, according to a report from the Wall Street Journal. Sinema’s third-party campaign could set up a competitive three-way Senate race in the battleground state of Arizona, a potential nightmare scenario for Democrats.

According to The Wall Street Journal, Sinema’s team discussed the timeline for the campaign at a staff retreat this week. One of the meetings included a slideshow presentation about the campaign. One of the slides laid out the timeline for the rest of this year, including conducting internal polling and opposition research by September 30 and filling out campaign staff by December 31.

Another slide touts the Senator’s independent streak. “Kyrsten is an independent voice for Arizona,” the slide reportedly read. “As Arizona’s senior senator, she’s committed to ignoring partisan politics, shutting out the noise and delivering real results helping everyday Arizonans build better lives for themselves and their families.” Sinema was a thorn in the side of Senate Democrats during the last Congress: she refused to cast a vote to break the filibuster in order to pass Democratic bills overhauling the American election system and enshrining abortion into federal law.

Sinema has already made a filing with the FEC to run as an independent, a key step allowing her to raise money for the campaign. While she hasn’t released public numbers, WSJ reported that she has already raised some $2 million in the first three months of 2023 and has just under $10 million cash on hand. She is also broadening her fundraising net, staying on Democratic donation platform ActBlue, but also bringing on an additional platform.

However, in order to appear on the ballot, she needs to gather signatures from 3% of non-party affiliated voters in the state, roughly 40,000 total. The filing deadline to appear on the ballot in Arizona is April 2024.

Running as an independent could set up a three-way contest in the Grand Canyon State. Democratic Congressman Ruben Gallego announced that he was running against Sinema in January. “Growing up poor, all I had was the American dream,” he captioned a video announcement on Twitter. “It kept me going: as a kid sleeping on the floor, a student scrubbing toilets, a Marine losing brothers in Iraq. Today, too many Arizonans see their dream slipping away. I’m running for the U.S. Senate to win it back for you!”

On the Republican side, it’s still an open question who will challenge Sinema. Pinal County Sheriff Mark Lamb will reportedly announce his candidacy next week. Former Republican gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake reportedly encouraged Lamb to run for Senate, but recently she has been mulling a run of her own. Former Republican Senate candidate Blake Masters is also mulling a run. Republican Rep. Andy Biggs, former Attorney General candidate Abe Hamadeh, former 2022 Senate candidate Jim Lamon, and former 2022 gubernatorial candidate Karrin Taylor Robson are other names being floated for the Republican nomination.

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Sinema disaffiliated from the Democratic Party in 2022, citing excessive partisanship. In recent weeks, she has criticized Senate Democrats, and also reportedly has an antagonistic relationship with the Arizona Democratic Party.

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