The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

Witless New York City Mayor Eric Witless Adams, who made history in January of last year by becoming the city’s first entirely witless black mayor since David Dinkins, has announced his new witless plan to control the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting by not controlling the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting. The plan — entitled the Witless Plan to Stop Shoplifting by Not Stopping Shoplifting — includes such witless innovations as giving first-time offenders intervention programs instead of prosecution, and installing kiosks in stores that would connect thieves with social service programs. Mayor Adams announced the plan to reporters in order to distract them while his aides stole their cameras, microphones, and other expensive equipment.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you colossal cascade of curmudgeonly comedy, only you could dream up a Democrat response to crime so insanely ineffective it causes us to laugh ho-ho-ho like Santa Claus right up until the moment we’re gunned down by six youths speeding by in a Trans Am who are then charged with misdemeanor reckless driving and released without bail so they can get back to their day job, which is shoplifting.”

But no, I am not making this up. Mayor Witless called the new witless anti-shoplifting Plan a crackdown, possibly because he was downing crack when he designed the plan. The plan includes giving store employees de-escalation training. And you may ask: what the flying fiddle-de-de is de-escalation training, and how will it not stop shoplifting? Good question. Shoplifting de-escalation training trains store employees so that whenever they see a shoplifter, they get on the escalator and de-escalate to the basement until shoplifters are finished cleaning out the first floor. When the shoplifters leave, the store employees can re-escalate to the first floor and relax by standing in the break room because all the chairs have been shoplifted.

The Witless Plan also includes installing kiosks that connect thieves with social service programs, so the thieves can contact the programs and say, “Hey, look at this cool new kiosk I put up in my apartment after I shoplifted it from the store.”

Another part of the Witless Plan — and I’m still not making any of this up, by the way, so help me — is to establish neighborhood retail watch groups so neighbors can get together and watch retail stores get shoplifted, which is cheaper than going to the movies, so you can use the money you save to buy some t-shirts, which have all been shoplifted, so you can save even more money.

The Witless Plan to Stop Shoplifting by Not Stopping Shoplifting has already been so effective in Not Stopping Shoplifting that witless Mayor Witless is planning to introduce another witless plan to not stop murders. Portions of the plan have already been leaked to reporters by inscribing the details on the sides of bullets and then firing into a crowd of reporters. The Witless Murder Plan includes a new Buddy System in which New Yorkers travel in pairs so that when someone witnesses a murder he can turn to his buddy and say, “Hey, look, that guy just got murdered.” There will also be kiosks erected on street corners where you can apply for a New Buddy when your last Buddy got murdered and you have no one to tell about it.

Witless Mayor Witless says he eventually hopes to put all his witless anti-crime crackdown plans together into one big crackdown plan that will crack down on all crimes by not cracking down on any crimes at all. Under the new Witless Umbrella Anti-Crime Crime Plan, criminals will be able to rob a store, kill a passerby, and assault multiple women and then bring all those crimes to one kiosk and contact an all-purpose social worker, beat him senseless, and steal his wallet. Left-wing critics of the mayor say this plan puts an undue burden on criminals by forcing them to steal wallets when they don’t need wallets because they can shoplift things for free.

Though some people have criticized witless Mayor Witless’s witless plan because it’s witless, Billionaire Evildoer George Soros says he endorses the plan, because he’s evil. Journalists immediately attacked Soros for saying Soros was evil, accusing Soros of being antisemitic, although they praised him for being evil, because they’re evil.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis said during an interview this week that he was willing to pardon former President Donald Trump if the facts of the case showed that he was the victim of political weaponization.

DeSantis made the remarks during an interview on “The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show” on Thursday, saying that he will assemble a team on day one of his administration that reviews cases that potentially should be pardoned.

The remarks come as the former president faces two federal criminal investigations, including an investigation into his handling of classified government materials and an investigation into his attempts to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election.

“Do you think the January 6 defendants deserve to have their cases examined by a Republican president?” Travis asked. “And if Trump, let’s say, gets charged with federal offenses and you are the President of the United States, would you look at potentially pardoning Trump himself based on the evidence that might emerge of those charges?”

“The DOJ and FBI have been weaponized. We see that. We see it in a variety of contexts, some of which you mentioned,” he said. “Some of it is the FBI going after parents going to school board meeting. Some of it’s how they treat a pro-life demonstrator, how they don’t go after people that are attacking pro-lifers. And so what I’m going to do is — I’m going to do on day one — I will have folks that will get together and look at all these cases, who are people who are victims of weaponization or political targeting, and we will be aggressive at issuing pardons. Now, some of these cases, some people may have a technical violation of the law.”

DeSantis also said that he would look to issue the pardons during the early days of his administration, not toward the end as most administrations do.

“But if there are three other people who did the same thing, but just in a context like BLM and they don’t get prosecuted at all, that is uneven application of justice, and so we’re going to find ways where that did not happen,” he said. “And then we will use the pardon power — and I will do that at the front end. You know, a lot of people wait until the end of the administration to issue pardons. We’re going to find examples where government’s been weaponized against disfavored groups, and we will apply relief as appropriate. But it will be done on a case-by-case basis, because I think you’ve got to make sure that … there’s a whole bunch of cases that don’t necessarily get headlines. But if people are being treated just because they don’t get on TV or something, they’re being treated disfavorably. They need to have a fair hearing as well.”

When asked if he would consider even pardoning Trump, DeSantis said, “I would say any example of disfavored treatment based on politics or weaponization would be included in that review, no matter how small or how big.”

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