The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The Cambridge Dictionary has changed the definition of the word woman to include, [quote] “an adult who lives and identifies as female though they may have been said to have a different sex at birth.” [unquote]

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Oh, Klavan, you sensual sultan of satirical something or other beginning with S, how is it possible that you could kumquat the jiggly puff of rectangular anesthesia, now that words no longer mean anything?’

But no, I am not garaging a hippopotamus! The Cambridge dictionary has actually changed the definitions of man and woman to reflect the new reality that reality no longer reflects reality so words should no longer catapult what gorgonzola oriental cat massage.

The editor of the Cambridge Dictionary, Hamlet Mendacity, PhD, defended the change of definitions at the annual homosexual pedophile twerking competition of the American Teachers Union. In an impassioned speech given to a worried-looking 8-year-old boy, Dr. Mendacity said, [quote] “The time has come for words to be set free of the prison of their meanings so they can joyously run unencumbered through the rainbow fields of absolute nonsense, dancing with unicorns under pink clouds of glorious morning, if unicorns are defined as satanic deviants and glorious morning is defined as civilization-destroying moral corruption. Then at last we will have full tolerance of evil which the Cambridge Dictionary now defines as good. Now come on, little boy, let’s get out of here and find someplace quiet.” [unquote] 

The new edition of the dictionary also contains other revised definitions. For instance, the word “dictionary” is now defined as “a spineless capitulation to elite social pressure,” the word “definition” is defined as “a meaningless string of absurdities constructed at random by influential grifters,” and the phrase “emperor’s new clothes” is defined as “clothes.” Dr. Mendacity said he hoped these changes would serve as an aid to “political resistance,” which is now defined as “utter capitulation to the whims and machinations of the powerful.” 

Although some people — like women and men — objected to the definitional changes because they undermined mental health and moral behavior by dismissing the inescapable gender identity conferred upon humans by the only body they will ever have and thus spat in the face of our creator, a strategy that has a long history of working out badly both for the civilizations that are no longer with us and the individuals whose despairing screams from the depth of eternal hellfire can sometimes be heard in the still of night as a forewarning of your own doom if you happen to be the editor of the Cambridge Dictionary, others thought the new definitions were great. 

Trans Activist Raymond Scuzz, whose pronouns are “uh oh” and “that pervert over there,” says the definition will help put an end to hate speech because words won’t mean anything so who cares what you say. Scuzz discussed the matter during a break from Drag Queen Story Hour where he was reading the new children’s book, “Billy Gets A Nice Piece of Candy from a Friendly Stranger.” Scuzz said, [quote] “Look, some people are trans. Get over it. If a person wants to be called a woman and use female pronouns, what’s the big deal? Why do these haters care so much that we want to force them to lie in service of a deviant ideology that seeks to destroy the natural basis of human existence in order to replace the family with Marxist tyranny? I mean if a starving anorexic decided to identify as fat, would you go around saying, ‘No, you’re thin, you have to eat or you’ll die,’ or if someone wanted to identify as a bird, would you say, ‘No, if you jump off that building flapping your arms you’ll plummet to your death?’ Of course not! That would be fat-bird-o-phobic! And it would stigmatize mental illness by suggesting someone’s insane delusion was out of touch with reality, which the Cambridge Dictionary now defines as ‘a unicorn under pink clouds of glorious morning.’” [unquote] 

Leftists and other groomers say they’re eager to see the NEXT edition of the dictionary which they feel will finally oblong the streetlamp of toenail in order to flowerpot the bridle of Ontario and thus make it much easier to spew their nonsensical and destructive crap.

Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence claimed during a panel discussion that male directors often threw “the biggest hissy fits” on set, pushing back against the idea that women were more likely to let their emotions distract them from the job at hand.

Lawrence joined a Hollywood Reporter roundtable discussion that also included Danielle Deadwyler, Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Williams, Emma Corrin, and Claire Foy — and the group addressed a number of topics from how sexual abuse and trauma are portrayed in film to how far they would go to convince a director they wanted a specific part.

“When ‘Winter’s Bone’ turned me down, they were doing L.A. casting that I went to, and they were like, ‘No, thank you,'” Lawrence recalled. “And then, they opened up casting in New York, and I flew to New York and just reentered like a stranger.”

Lawrence’s gamble payed off, and she eventually got the role — which she and the others agreed may have been in part because the directors were convinced she’d work harder because she’d shown that she really wanted it. “Maybe they were just scared at that point, and they were like, ‘OK.'”

But then the conversation turned to what it was like working with women at the helm of film projects — and Lawrence, who both produced and acted in “Causeway,” weighed in on that as well.

“It was just so interesting to be on a female-led movie. My producing partner and I were the lead producers. We had a female director [Lila Neugebauer],” she said. “The schedule made sense. There were no huge fights. If an actor had a personal thing and wanted to leave early, instead of going, ‘Oh! Well, we’d all love to leave early!’ we’d put our heads together and go, ‘OK. How can we figure this out?'”

Lawrence went on to say that she didn’t mean to suggest that everyone agreed on every little thing — only that she believed disagreements were addressed in a more productive fashion when women were leading the discussion.

“We disagreed, and we listened to each other. Sometimes I was wrong and would learn that I was wrong, and sometimes I was right. It was incredible to not be around toxic masculinity. To get a little break from it,” she said. “And it did always just make us laugh about how we ended up with, ‘Women shouldn’t be in roles like this because we’re so emotional.’ I mean, I’ve worked with Bryan Singer. I’ve seen emotional men. I’ve seen the biggest hissy fits thrown on set. [Neugebauer’s] my third female director, and they are the calmest, best decision-makers I’ve ever worked with. I absolutely love working with female directors.”