It’s time to give three cheers for Bidenomics … and suppurating fungal infections of the testicles, and possibly bunions. President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden has been taking time out from quietly decomposing on the beach this summer to tout the administration’s signature economic program, which has been a boon to every patriotic American who loves Mom and Apple Pie after all the other food has run out.

Now some of you have written to me to say, “Golly gee, Hot Gandalf, with the yearly deficit up nearly 40% since government experts ruined every single thing for no reason during the pandemic, with prices up nearly 16% since the last election was rigged by corrupt news media and intelligence agencies, and with hourly wages down 5% not to mention how high gas prices would be if I hadn’t been forced to abandon my empty car by the side of the road, how can the president say his economic policies are working when all this time I thought he was dead?”

Well, to answer your questions quickly so I can get back to obsessively watching the Jennifer Lawrence nude scene from “No Hard Feelings,” I’ve decided to provide you with this handy Bidenomics Q&A:

Q: What is Bidenomics?

A: Some of you may remember Reaganomics, when President Reagan cut taxes and regulations so that businesses could grow and hire workers who could then buy stuff from small businesses, so that everyone was making money and could have vacations which brought wealth to tourist locations where they hired even more workers for more money and everyone was prosperous and happy and singing and dancing around in celebration and delight. Well, that was no good.

So now we have Bidenomics, where the government gives money to their friends who invest in clean fuel like fairy dust and unicorn manure. These public subsidies, technically known as graft or peculation, will be used to build gigantic windmills that create power by slaughtering birds so the birds don’t block the sun and the sun can shine on solar batteries which then provide energy and create wonderful new jobs until night falls and the entire fantastical contraption vanishes into the imaginations of the same experts who ruined everything during the pandemic.

This way, instead of trickle down economics, where people with money buy goods and services from people who need money, you now have trickle up economics where people with no money sit around wishing they had money like the rich climate conmen who live in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes to the climate conmen in government so that the government has no money which it then gives to the people with no money so that they now have as much money as the government, which is minus $32 trillion.

Q: Wait a minute. You’re saying, under Bidenomics, no one has any money?

A: No, no, no. If you have no money, you can’t afford to buy anything. So the government prints money, which of course is worthless, so that prices go up, so you can’t afford to buy anything.

Q: If I can’t afford to buy anything, how do I eat?

A: Well, it’s true that, under Bidenomics, there are some things you can’t eat, like meat or bread or food, but you can eat other good things, like your memories or the dog. You can also eat Skittles if you’re a black trans person who might enjoy being castrated and having diabetes.

Q: Wow, that sounds really great. Is Bidenomics the reason gas prices are going up as well?

A: No, that’s because of climate change. You see, 100,000 years ago, there was an ice age, and glaciers covered the country. Then, about 25,000 years ago, the climate turned warm because too many pre-historic poor people were driving Flintstone-powered cars. That’s when the glaciers melted and became the Great Lakes and John Kerry had to fly his wife’s private plane to Switzerland to make sure nothing like that would ever happen again and to get in some skiing. So now gas prices are almost $4 a gallon, except in California, where a gallon is $7, but with each full tank you get a free homeless person.

Q: Now that you’ve explained Bidenomics, I think things were better under Donald Trump. Why shouldn’t I just vote for him?

A: Because unfortunately Donald Trump is under indictment.

Q: But if things were better under Trump, why was he indicted?

A: That is why.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Los Angeles is launching a task force to combat the uptick in retail theft, including organized smash-and-grab robberies involving large groups of thieves.

The Organized Retail Crimes Task Force was announced Thursday by Mayor Karen Bass, the LAPD, and several other law enforcement agencies, follows a chaotic week that saw two smash-and-grab robberies by large groups in the Los Angeles area.

Over the weekend, a mob of nearly 50 people in hoodies and masks stole up to $100,000 in luxury merchandise from a Nordstrom in Los Angeles. The thieves also attacked security guards with bear mace.

Last week, a group of 30 to 40 thieves robbed an Yves Saint Laurent store in southern California in broad daylight on Tuesday, absconding with an estimated $300,000 worth of merchandise, police said.

Footage from the incident shows over a dozen people mostly dressed in dark clothes, hoods, and masks dashing into the store and running out again, their arms full of the expensive merchandise.

The brazen smash-and-grab robbery was caught on video just before 5 p.m. The store is located at the Americana at Brand mall in Glendale, just north of Los Angeles. The Glendale police chief joined the Los Angeles officials in announcing the task force.

Police said Thursday that they had arrested the first suspect in the robbery. A 23-year-old man was charged with organized retail theft, burglary, grand theft, and conspiracy.

Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass said Thursday, “What we’ve seen over just the past week in the City of Los Angeles and in surrounding regions is unacceptable, which is why today we are here announcing action.”

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“These are not victimless crimes – especially in the case where Angelenos were attacked – through force or fear – as they did their jobs or ran errands,” she said, adding that the task force will “aggressively investigate” these incidents and hold the perpetrators “fully accountable.”

LAPD Assistant Chief Dominic Choi said retail theft not only affects businesses financially, but also has a broader impact on the “overall well-being of our community.”

“Together, we can create an environment where our streets and businesses are safe from the scourge of retail theft,” Choi said.

Los Angeles has been plagued by rampant retail and personal theft in recent months.

Most types of violent crime are down in Los Angeles except theft, which is up 15% to more than 20,409 thefts compared to this time last year, according to police data.

Since the fall of 2021, Los Angeles County has seen at least 170 organized retail thefts, including the smash-and-grab trend, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office.

Late last month, police said another group of masked thieves stole $900,000 worth of merchandise from a jewelry store in Irvine just south of Los Angeles and Glendale.

Organized retail theft is on the rise nationally as well.

Incidents like the ones Los Angeles has seen increased by about 27% in 2021, according to the National Retail Federation.

The top ten cities with the most retail crime include New York, Houston, Miami, Chicago, Seattle, Atlanta, and Dallas.

Critics argue that the thieves are emboldened by California’s progressive prosecutors, who rarely force the shoplifters to face significant criminal consequences.