The White House Press Office has opened a new Department of The President is Fine, according to a report from the New York Times’ new Bureau of the President is Fine in a front page story headlined “The President is Fine” which says that the White House Department of the President is Fine says the president is fine. According to the White House, the Department of the President is Fine will be tasked with explaining to the public that the president is not doing what he’s obviously doing or saying what he’s obviously saying but instead is fine.

The White House announced the new Department of the President is Fine after the president neglected to schedule an appearance at Ground Zero for the September 11th memorial because he wasn’t sure what date September 11th would fall on this year. Instead, the president went to Hanoi, the site of America’s humiliating surrender in Vietnam, where he rambled incomprehensibly about the phrase “lying dog-faced pony soldier,” from a 1953 John Wayne movie. The White House Department of the President is Fine immediately issued a clarification explaining that the president had actually intended to ramble incomprehensibly about a 1952 Tyrone Power movie, in which the phrase also does not appear. So, the president is fine. 

The Hanoi press conference ended when the president’s incomprehensible rambling became so incomprehensible that the Director of the Department of the President is Fine, Karine Jean Identity Hire, had to drown the president out by loudly playing the piano as the President-is-Fine Dancers kick-lined their way onstage to carry the president into the wings while singing their official theme song,

“The President is fine,

The President is fine,

They say that he’s demented,

But the charges are invented,

His condition is benign.

And though this exit is abrupt,

That doesn’t mean that he’s corrupt.

The President is Fine.”

The President then went on to Alaska where he did commemorate September 11th by giving the Iranian Islamist Terrorist government $6 billion in ransom for kidnapped Americans in order to ensure the Iranians won’t kidnap any more Americans unless they want $6 billion more.

The White House Department of the President is Fine clarified that the $6 billion payout to Islamist Terrorists was not intended to commemorate the slaughter of 3,000 Americans by Islamist Terrorists on September 11th, 2001, but was instead meant to mark September 11th 2021, the date of the president’s humiliating surrender to Islamist Terrorists in Afghanistan, which was also why the president went to Hanoi — because he confused it with Kabul — which is easy to do now, so the president is fine.

In response to the opening of the new White House Department of the President is Fine, not only the New York Times, a former newspaper, but also NBC, ABC, CBS News, CNN, and the Washington Post will be opening up a joint Bureau of the President is Fine and will be assigning reporters to cover the fact that the president is fine. The Washington Post says they don’t need to assign a new reporter to the Bureau of the President is Fine because they already have Philip Bump, who was described in a 1952 Tyrone Power movie starring John Wayne in 1953, according to the Bureau of the President is Fine.

The news media’s Bureau of the President is Fine will be coordinating with the White House Department of the President is Fine to report on the fact that House Republicans have opened an impeachment inquiry into the president even though the president is obviously fine. According to the news media’s Bureau of the President is Fine, the White House Department of the President is Fine says there is not a single shred of evidence that the president is corrupt aside from his repeated phone calls and visits to aid his son’s influence peddling while tens of millions of dollars were funneled from America’s foreign enemies into Biden family shell companies — all of which is fine according to the news media — or possibly the White House. I always get those two confused …  which is easy to do now, so that’s fine.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Republican Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina blasted a teachers union boss on Wednesday for comparing the parental rights movement to proponents of segregation.

American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten took a shot at the parental rights movement, which emphasizes a parent’s authority over a child’s education, in an interview aired Tuesday. Weingarten compared those parents frustrated largely with public school officials to parents who resisted desegregation on the basis of race.

Scott said the union boss was spreading “liberal lies” that harken “back to a day that no longer exists.”

“There might not be anyone that’s done more damage recently than Randi Weingarten to the kids living in distressed communities, especially like the ones where I grew up,” Scott told Fox News.

“I’m so sick and tired of liberals — too many of them happen to be white — crying racism every single time they’re losing an argument,” he continued. “I can’t think of anything more actually racist than trapping poor black kids in the failing schools in these big blue cities dominated by a super-majority of radical progressives who are running the cities and destroying the schools.”

Scott, a Republican candidate for president in 2024, said Weingarten and the teachers union are two of the chief hurdles to a child’s education today.

“They’re the ones, with their teachers unions, standing in the doorway of the schoolhouse, trapping poor kids in as if the house is on fire, but they won’t let a single soul out,” the senator from South Carolina said. “It’s really frustrating, and it’s one of the reasons why I think we have no choice but to break the backs of these teachers’ unions. They’re the problem. They’re literally destroying the future of millions of kids.”

Weingarten attacked the parental rights movement in an appearance on the podcast Power At Work, produced by the Burnes Center for Social Change. The union boss said she was made aware of a connection between the parents’ rights movement and segregationists from the Southern Poverty Law Center.

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“Those same words that you heard in terms of wanting segregation post-Brown v. Board of Education, those same words you hear today,” Weingarten said.

“I was kind of gobsmacked when I was talking to Southern Poverty Law Center, and they showed me the same words, ‘choice,’ ‘parental rights,’ and an attempt to divide parents versus teachers,” she added. “At that point, it was white parents versus other parents, but it’s the same kind of words.”

🚨NEW: @AFTunion President @rweingarten smears the parental rights movement👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 as some sort of new Segregation. Her source?🤔 A far-left smear factory notorious for putting conservatives on a "hate map" with the KKK. https://t.co/TIeeTvTdhl pic.twitter.com/nZxPgTDEOz

— Tyler O'Neil (@Tyler2ONeil) September 13, 2023