In the light of recent Supreme Court decisions upholding the Constitution, Democrats are seeking ways to get the Court to stop doing that.

The controversy began after the court issued rulings forbidding racism in college admissions, allowing people to express opinions of which the state disapproves, and denying Joe Biden the right to steal our money to pay for college loans we didn’t take out. The Democrat party feels these decisions are unfair because without racism, censorship, and stealing people’s money, there would be no Democrat party. Then Democrats would no longer be able to help people and would lose their jobs and be forced to live on the streets with all the people they’ve helped.

Young people especially are pressuring the Biden administration to take measures to stop the court from enforcing the Constitution. The young people argue that some stupid 18th century document written on weird crinkly brown paper in a font that isn’t even on their cell phones should not outweigh the uninformed opinions of a bunch of self-certain cretins who have enough time on their hands to create elaborately produced TikTok videos about purple Grimace milkshakes and then wonder why they can’t pay back their student loans.

One Democrat suggestion on how to fix the court’s upholding-the-Constitution problem involves expanding the court from nine justices to nine justices, three Barack Obama bobble-head dolls, and one Bose Soundlink playing ‘Don’t Feel Right’ at full volume to distract from Democrat’s racism, censorship, and stealing your money.

Another suggestion is that Congress should pass a new code of ethics for the court, so they can impeach any justices who have ethics.

Still yet another idea came from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who delivered an impassioned speech in Congress while the men in the chamber attempted to click on her, hoping to see more pictures of women with large breasts, only to be disappointed by some boring slideshow of black-and-white photographs of turn of the century New York. Miss Ocasio-Cortez said, “I have some very serious thoughts about how to curtail the power of the court and I believe…” But then everyone stopped listening to her because, really, who cares about turn-of-the-century New York?

Another suggestion came from Rhode Island Senator and thuggish lowlife Sheldon Whitehouse who wrote a letter to Chief Justice John Roberts saying, “As the Supreme Court is an essential part of our democracy, it would be a shame if it was sprayed with machine gun bullets tomorrow unless the court delivers the correct decisions to my office before noon in an unmarked brown paper bag.” In a statement released to the press, Senator Ted Cruz criticized Whitehouse, saying his letter constituted a subtle threat against the court. Senator Whitehouse responded to the statement by sending the press a pair of Cruz’s pants wrapped around a dead fish.

Amazingly, the news media has reiterated the Democrat party’s ideas without the Democrats moving their lips even once. In fact, NPR smeared Clarence Thomas for fake ethics violations even while Nancy Pelosi was drinking a glass of water. MSNBC Host Joy Reid protested the Supreme Court’s anti-racism decision by saying she could never have gotten into Harvard if it weren’t for affirmative action, as if anyone had ever thought for even a moment that Joy Reid could have gotten into Harvard without affirmative action. The Washington Post, where ‘Democracy dies in Darkness’ after the Washington Post pushes it down a flight of stairs into darkness, has repeatedly tried to sell the narrative that Joe Biden will lose the votes of young people if he doesn’t destroy the freedom of the court, although it might also help if Biden stopped firing buckshot at young people and screaming “Get off my lawn.”

Meanwhile, the court is facing another session of important cases that will decide, for instance, whether states can require you to show proof of age before pretending to listen to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whether the second amendment guarantees the right of Supreme Court justices to bear arms while exchanging gunfire with Sheldon Whitehouse, and whether the first amendment protects the right of the Washington Post to say ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’ or if, coming from the Washington Post, that’s actually kind of a threat.

*  *  *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Come for Morning Wire’s Afternoon Update’s straight news, but stay for rapid reaction. The following five stories, and more, can be heard on today’s Morning Wire Afternoon Update podcast. Click here to listen. 

1. GOP Still Waiting On Answers After A Strongly Worded Letter

David Weiss, the U.S. district attorney leading the Hunter Biden investigation, ignored a deadline to comply with congressional demands Thursday night. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Republican Jim Jordan (R-OH) demanded that Weiss provide materials relating to alleged retaliation against whistleblowers, who say the probe has been sabotaged due to pressure from Biden officials. Rep. Jordan sent the letter to Weiss in late June requesting more information, including on the removal of IRS agent Gary Shapley, one of the whistleblowers who was overseeing the agency’s investigation.

Rapid Reaction:  As previously observed, how many more strongly worded letters will Republican politicians promise to send? Will another hearing make things right? Does the GOP really think that any of that will force the Department of Justice or Democrats to change their ways? What’s the end game here?

It’s all a bit reminiscent of past corruption that Republicans promised to get to the bottom of, such as Benghazi, the IRS-Tea Party Scandal, Operation Fast & Furious, Hillary Clinton’s emails, and countless other examples. Once they get to the bottom of the outrage du jour, that’s where the GOP remains. Meanwhile, Democrats and their allies move on to the next abuse of power.

2. Most Voters Disapprove Of The Hunter Biden Plea Deal

A majority of voters disapprove of the plea deal offered to President Biden’s son Hunter. A Rasmussen Reports poll found that 55% disapprove of the plea bargain, including 41% who “strongly” disapprove. Just 37% approve of the deal, with only 19% “strongly” approving. Hunter Biden agreed to plead guilty on charges that he violated federal tax and resolve a gun violation, with some legal experts calling it a “sweetheart deal” that would not have been offered to the average American. 

Rapid Reaction:  The American people aren’t dumb. The Hunter plea deal is the latest evidence for many that the system is rigged. That has led to Americans seeking candidates who go against the D.C. Establishment. That anti-establishment fervor is found in both parties — hence the popularity of candidates such as Robert Kennedy, Jr., former President Donald Trump, and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. All other GOP candidates, minus a few, also include anti-establishment rhetoric in their stump speeches.

To go off point one, perhaps the only to help “restore” order at the DOJ is to impeach Attorney General Merrick Garland — as has been suggested by folks like House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA).

3. U.S. Tap Water Majorly Contaminated, Report Says 

A new U.S. Geological Survey reveals that nearly 50% of all U.S. tap water contains “Forever Chemicals” or polyfluorinated alkyl substances (PFAS) that can be dangerous to human health. PFAS have been linked to things such as cancer, thyroid disease, high cholesterol, decreased fertility, liver damage and hormone suppression, and other issues. 

Rapid Reaction: In the words of Sydney Evans, a science analyst for the Environmental Working Group, “Legal does not necessarily equal safe.” Indeed, for years the U.S. government has legally approved tap water despite containing such chemicals.

According to Dr. Graham Peaslee, a University of Notre Dame professor in the Department of Physics and Astronomy and concurrent professor of chemistry and biochemistry, PFAS are “really insidious, this poison. We are going to have to get inventive on how to filter it out for all of our days.”

And yet, our federal government seems to have little to no interest in solving this problem.

So the next time a liberal tells you to trust the government always, especially as it relates to “the science,” maybe it’s a good idea to go over the level of PFAS in their drinking water and ask if they still think the government is always looking out for them.

4. UK Bank Refuses To Open Account For Conservative Parent Group: Report

Metro Bank, a popular financial institution in the United Kingdom, reportedly refused to open a bank account for an organization that opposes radical gender ideology. A spokesperson for the group called “Our Duty” claims that a Metro Bank employee said that Our Duty’s website had ideas that, quote, “conflicted with the culture and ideas we are pushing.”

Rapid Reaction: Welcome to the new normal, where conservatives are discriminated against for holding basic views such as the knowledge that men cannot get pregnant. This is, unfortunately, the way the world works these days. The only solution is to stop giving your money to people who hate you.

5. Death In Death Valley

A 65-year-old man was found dead in Death Valley National Park on Monday. Officials believe he died of extreme heat.  The man’s body was found by a maintenance worker in the late morning, inside a sedan parked about 30 yards off the road. The National Parks Services said in a statement, “The sedan’s tracks ran along the road shoulder and rocky berm before veering further away from the paved road. The vehicle did not crash but had two flat tires when stopped.”

Rapid Reaction: The Left is already using this story as evidence that “climate change” is going to kill us all. The fatality occurred on one of the hottest days in decades. Of course, it’s named Death Valley for a reason. It gets very hot there and has posed risks to humans for hundreds of years now. Furthermore, despite headlines claiming that June has been experiencing some of the hottest days ever — that claim simply isn’t true. The records to substantiate it only go back to the 70s.