In This House, We Believe In Empty Platitudes

In this house, we believe.

In this house, we believe that love is love, whether it’s love between a husband and wife who’ve committed their lives to one another and are willing to sacrifice for each other’s happiness and for the happiness of the children they create together, or whether it’s two guys dressed in rubber suits grinding lit cigarettes into each other’s backsides and then exposing their genitals to children to declare how proud they are before drugging themselves into insensibility and passing out in a pool of their own vomit. Because in this house, we believe love is love whether you love your family… or vomit. 

In this house, we believe that science is real, so if a mentally ill teenager runs through the streets screaming it’s the end of the world, you should kill your children to stop the climate from changing. And if the government tells you to put on a mask and stay home from church and hold a race riot instead while leaving your children sitting in front of a computer screen so their pervert teacher can tell them to change their gender because gender is a magical ghostly presence that can be wished into sparkly colors until a man can get pregnant and then have an abortion into the ninth month because the baby’s not a human being until it passes through the magic vagina place and the mother doesn’t even have a vagina because he’s a man, then you should immediately go outside and pray to a gigantic windmill so it will supply enough electricity to power the entire country without any fossil fuels. Because in this house, we believe that science is real… like… Tinker bell. Or Moloch. 

In this house, we believe that black lives matter. So if a black gangster should drive by in his stolen Hyundai Sonata and spray a black neighborhood with bullets wiping out a five-year-old child, a postman, and a single mother working two jobs to support her family, and if that gangster then tries to outrace a police car so that his stolen Sonata drives over a kid on a tricycle before careening through a living room picture window and killing a family of five in a flaming explosion, and if the police officer then trades fire with the gangster and shoots him dead to protect the rest of the neighborhood, then that officer should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law because in this house, we believe black lives matter.

In this house, we believe that women’s rights are human rights because any human can be a woman if he puts on a dress and a string of pearls, and no woman should have the right to say he’s not a woman or that he can’t come into her locker room and watch her undress just because he’s a woman who happens to have an erection. And no woman should have the right to stop that erect woman from stealing her athletic achievements just because he’s a woman who’s a man. So — no woman should have the right to complain or achieve or speak or live in peace because in this house, we believe women’s rights are human rights and any human can be a woman so women have no rights.

In this house, we believe in progress. In the bad old days, people were slaves to convention and had to wear suits and ties and listen to boring music like Bach and Mozart and use words that expressed assigned meanings and only have sex if they were married. But now there’s progress! So we can go naked with our bodies covered in tattoos and with metal spikes stuck in our noses and our eyebrows while we grunt wordlessly to the sound of deafening foul-mouthed hip-hop and have sex with anything that feels good until it squirms out of our grasp and escapes back into the forest, because in this house, we believe ooga booga naga noona nana zoogaga waga booliya.

Which means: In this house, we believe kindness is everything. And if you disagree, we’ll kill you.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is “A Strange Habit of Mind,” book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

This is an excerpt from the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Matt Walsh Deconstructs ‘Astonishingly Bad’ Ruling Blocking Ban On Minor Sex-Change Procedures

Daily Wire host Matt Walsh excoriated a district judge on Friday for a decision blocking a ban on injecting minors with puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones to treat gender dysphoria.

“This week, federal Judge Eli Richardson declined to halt Tennessee’s ban on child mutilation surgeries. But he issued an injunction against the state’s ban on chemically castrating & sterilizing minors. The opinion is astonishingly bad & the state AG has already appealed,” Walsh said in the first tweet of a lengthy thread posted to Twitter.

1/ This week, federal Judge Eli Richardson declined to halt Tennessee’s ban on child mutilation surgeries. But he issued an injunction against the state’s ban on chemically castrating & sterilizing minors. The opinion is astonishingly bad & the state AG has already appealed.

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

Tennessee enacted legislation banning sex-change treatments and surgeries on minors after an undercover investigation by Walsh and his team found that Vanderbilt University Medical Center was providing so-called “puberty blocking” drugs, cross-sex hormones, and mastectomies to underage teens.

In his opinion blocking the Tennessee state law, Richardson cited two other court cases that have “nothing to do with transgenderism,” Walsh said. Richardson also took into account data provided by two pro-transgender organizations, disregarding objections that the data was “low quality.”

“[T]he Grading of Recommendations Assessment, Development, and Evaluation system permits conclusions to be drawn based on what is considered ‘low-quality evidence,’” Richardson wrote.

4/ How does the judge make the leap and determine that it's "medical care" to castrate & sterilize a child? He disregards the state’s experts and cites "evidence" that he admits is "low quality" from two main sources: the trans activist group WPATH and the Endocrine Society. pic.twitter.com/Wgko0kl4bm

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

Richardson dismissed professional testimony from clinical psychologist Dr. James Cantor pointing out flaws in the data, which came from WPATH and the Endocrine Society. The judge said that Cantor’s testimony was meaningless unless he possessed experience “administer[ing] the medical procedures banned by SB1.”

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“In other words, the judge only values the opinions of doctors who are already making money by castrating children,” Walsh wrote.

8/ In other words, the judge only values the opinions of doctors who are already making money by castrating children. That could be why he completely ignores sworn declarations from doctors like Sven Roman, who explained to him why minors should not receive cross-sex hormones. pic.twitter.com/AFZA4RNzug

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

The judge also disregarded concerns from the state that administering cross-sex hormones to minors could “lead to a lifetime dependence on certain medications” because “[d]efendants do not explain why such dependence should itself be considered a negative side effect.”

Richardson accepted expert testimony from physicians who supported transgender treatments for minors, however. He cited Duke Health’s Dr. Deanna Adkins “extensively” throughout the opinion, despite Adkins’ own lack of citations for her work, according to Walsh.

10/ Judge Richardson doesn’t ignore every declaration in the case, however. He extensively cites this declaration from Duke “trans” specialist Dr. Deanna Adkins, who offers this rundown of gender theory without providing citations. pic.twitter.com/vLVqUnbVEG

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

“Judge Richardson said Dr. Adkins’ declaration is credible. Meanwhile, he disregards evidence that cross-sex hormones sterilize children, because ‘not all individuals will experience this negative side effect,’” Walsh wrote.

Walsh blasted the judge for giving little treatment to the risks associated with cross-sex hormone treatments and, when writing of the procedures and their effects, using euphemisms that disguise the real impact.

“Even one of the doctors that Judge Richardson’s opinion relies on – Dr. Adkins – admits in her declaration that patients must be informed of ‘irreversible’ risks of cross-sex hormones, including sterilization,” Walsh writes.

14/ Even one of the doctors that Judge Richardson’s opinion relies on – Dr. Adkins – admits in her declaration that patients must be informed of "irreversible" risks of cross-sex hormones, including sterilization. pic.twitter.com/cuhmoLIlTq

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

Richardson also cited the lack of evidence as to whether such sex-change treatments are “safe” as an argument supporting their further use.

“The practical effects of the judge’s decision are clear. Vanderbilt’s deputy CEO told Judge Richardson that the moment he issues an injunction, sterilizing hormone therapies will resume – including on minor children,” Walsh writes.

16/ The practical effects of the judge’s decision are clear. Vanderbilt’s deputy CEO told Judge Richardson that the moment he issues an injunction, sterilizing hormone therapies will resume – including on minor children. pic.twitter.com/OyFqlAzbWt

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

Walsh went on to spotlight two of Richardson’s former clerks, one who has posted her pronouns in her bio and works for a lesbian activist group and another who wrote in support of nuisance environmental lawsuits against the meat industry.

“Is Judge Richardson surrounding himself with left-wing activists? Why did he decide to override the will of the overwhelming majority of Tennesseans in order to allow child castration? Maybe those two questions are related. The good news is the appeal is already underway,” Walsh concluded.

20/ Is Judge Richardson surrounding himself with left-wing activists? Why did he decide to override the will of the overwhelming majority of Tennesseans in order to allow child castration? Maybe those two questions are related. The good news is the appeal is already underway.

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 30, 2023

 

Editor’s Note: A previous version of this story incorrectly labeled Judge Eli Richardson a Tennessee state judge.

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