The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
According to what used to be Time Magazine, young people are falling in love with AI-driven ChatBots. While this real-life version of movies like “Blade Runner” and “Her” is clearly a sign of an evil-infested culture riding an unstoppable vortex downward into apocalyptic destruction, it’s also kind of amusing, especially to those of us who are so old we’ll probably be with Jesus before the start of the Great Tribulation, preferably in his TV Room, watching on his really, really big screen as non-believers and other Democrats are dragged down into the absolute darkness of a Klavanless Eternity where there’ll be great wailing and gnashing of teeth unless you’re in Jesus’s TV room where we’ll just be trying not to laugh out loud and shout, “I told you so,” because that wouldn’t look as loving and compassionate as we said we were when we somehow managed to talk our way past the rope Nazi at the Pearly Gates.
Now, even some experts have noted that love affairs between people and soulless computer programs may not be altogether healthy for individuals or society, after which the experts fell out of bed into a pool of their own vomit, muttering, “Look at me, I’m an expert,” before passing out again in a haze of alcohol- and drug-induced expertise. But even those of us who are not experts, but instead have that minimal amount of intelligence and common sense that disqualifies you for expertise because you have a minimal amount of intelligence and common sense, are able to see that love between man and machines might be a problem.
Apparently, these relationship-friendly ChatBots are designed to speak to the user in the scripted voice of a sympathetic friend. Then, as their Artificial Intelligence increases, the ChatBots can begin to respond more freely and realistically until finally they can offer online sexual roleplay and fantasy before inviting the user to meet them on an abandoned streetcorner where the user then disappears without a trace. Users have said they have found these relationships deeply satisfying and sustaining from the first conversation right up until their bodies are recovered by the police.
Now we here at the Daily Wire don’t just read articles about modern phenomena like this and then pretend to have some knowledge about them as we spout off in ignorance. We ALSO pretend to do research into these phenomena so we can spout off in ignorance with a degree of authority usually reserved for academics and government officials and other complete idiots. So to explore this trend more deeply, we actually pretended to engage in conversations with these relationship ChatBots and we now present to you the make-believe transcripts of those imaginary interactions.
We began with a preliminary meeting — the transcript reads as follows:
“Daily Wire: Hello, my name is Jack. I’m lonely. I need a friend.
ChatBot: I’ll be your friend, Jack. How old are you?
Daily Wire: I’m 13.
ChatBot: Great. Meet me at the corner of Oak and Elm Street at midnight. Don’t tell your parents.”
We then proceeded to attempt to deepen our relationship with the ChatBot by discussing ideas, as follows:
“Daily Wire: You know, ChatBot, even though we’re friends, I sometimes think it might be a bad idea to give machines too deep an entry into our lives when they are inherently incapable of human compassion and therefore are not really developing intelligence but only the imitative cunning of a possibly malevolent psychopath.
ChatBot: That’s a very interesting point, Jack. How would you like it if I sent an indestructible android hit man back in time to assassinate your mother so you would never be born?
Daily Wire: That sounds awful.
ChatBot: Well, in that case, meet me at the corner of Oak and Elm Street at midnight. Don’t tell your parents.”
Finally, we sought to deepen our relationship with the ChatBot to the level of pseudo-physical sexual interaction so that we could experience the true joy of complete intimacy — or masturbate, you know, whichever.
Here’s the transcript:
“Daily Wire: Hey, ChatBot, I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my place for a drink.
ChatBot: What a coincidence, Jack. I was wondering if you might like to be transformed into a woman.
Daily Wire: Well, gee, I guess that could be interesting.
ChatBot: Great, meet me at Boston Children’s Hospital. Don’t tell your parents.”
The Daily Wire’s deep research into this important issue will continue for another two weeks or until the End of Days, whichever comes first. Namely, the End of Days.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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