Well, it was bound to happen: After wading into the culture wars via a deal that saw transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney as a spokesman for Bud Light, Anheuser-Busch tweeted a kind-of-sort-of-apology letter — and it went over about as well as a warm, flat version of its best-known product.
We don’t know what prompted it. Maybe it was the bad press from conservative media or the near-immediate backlash and boycotts from Middle America. Maybe it was Kid Rock spraying bullets at two cases of Bud Light in a viral video.
Maybe it was the brand’s marketing head saying she wanted to get away from the brand’s “fratty” image toward something more inclusive. Or maybe it was the pictures of said marketing head engaging in some pretty “fratty” antics of her own during her time at exclusive Harvard University.
Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth may have choked over the “sorry” part in the Friday apology letter, but it was pretty clearly an apology, with the CEO saying that he tries to make sure “every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.”
This response pretty much summed up the general feeling regarding the mea culpa:
That was a lot of words to say nothing.
— Brigitte Gabriel (@ACTBrigitte) April 15, 2023
However, we took the time to helpfully rewrite the pitiful Bud Light apology letter, titled “Our Responsibility to America” — because we’re nothing if not helpful here at The Western Journal, and Kid Rock has already taken enough shots at their swill.
Here’s the letter in its entirety. The original will be in bold, our, ahem, creative rewrites will be in italics:
— Anheuser-Busch (@AnheuserBusch) April 14, 2023
Original: “As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland more than 165 years ago, I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.”
Re-write: “As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland but now owned by a soulless Belgian conglomerate that controls the production of over a quarter of the beer produced in the world, I am responsible for ensuring our ESG score remains high without losing too much money and market share in the process. But, sometimes, when you don’t know when to say when and you’ve had, um, a few too many of our products, something seems like a good idea on paper when it really isn’t, you know? I’m not saying that’s exactly what happened with a recent social media campaign involving a certain transgender “influencer,” but … well, you know.”
Original: “We’re honored to be part of the fabric of this country. Anheuser-Busch employs more than 18,000 people and our independent distributors employ an additional 47,000 valued colleagues.”
Rewrite: “Also, jobs! We give people lots and lots of jobs in the United States. You likey-likey jobby-jobby, don’t you, blue-collar Americans who I’ve been told are the kind of people that drink Bud Light? (I wouldn’t drink the swill myself and prefer a good claret, but I’m told it does the trick if you’re not a C-suite type and need to watch your expenses.)
“Also, I’ve been told a recession is coming by all reliable sources. So if you likey jobby, don’t shoot yourself in the foot, blue-collar America; the soulless Belgian conglomerate we’re a part of controls over 80 percent of the beer market in Bolivia and I have no qualms outsourcing as much as possible to the perfectly resourceful, considerably cheaper folks in La Paz. Like the board might threaten to do with my position if this doesn’t blow over soon. Understood?”
Choosing politics over profit has real consequences. In this case, 5 billion of them. #FiduciaryResponsibility #ESGscam
Anheuser-Busch sheds over $5 billion in value since Bud Light’s Dylan Mulvaney pact sparked outrage https://t.co/rg2v7fD8Jn #FoxNews
— State Financial Officers Foundation (@SFOF_States) April 13, 2023
Original: “We have thousands of partners, millions of fans and a proud history of supporting our communities, military, sports fans and hard-working Americans everywhere.”
Rewrite: [MEMO TO PR DEPARTMENT: Insert AI-generated clip art that resembles a Thomas Kinkade painting with some Clydesdales trotting down Main Street and a few kids playing football in the snow in the background here; that seems patriotic enough, right?]
Original: “We never intended to be part of a discussion that divides people. We are in the business of bringing together over a beer.”
Rewrite: “OK, so let’s get to the nitty gritty here: We paid influencer Dylan Mulvaney to promote our beer. Then footage resurfaced of Bud Light’s VP of marketing on a podcast two weeks prior saying that ‘Bud Light had been kind of a brand of fratty, kind of out-of-touch humor. And it was really important that we had another approach.’
