The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Former President Donald Trump was arraigned in federal court this week by a Justice Department led by Merrick Garland, who was arraigned in federal court this week on charges of covering up the corruption of Hunter Biden, who was arraigned in federal court this week for sniffing cocaine off a hooker’s backside or vice versa while soliciting bribes from Ukrainian oil executives who were arraigned in federal court this week for paying off President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden who was arraigned in federal court this week for accepting five million dollars in bribes in an influence peddling scheme that was uncovered by Former President Donald Trump who was arraigned in federal court this week.
Legal experts say the charges could result in at least 35,000 members of the federal government being convicted in federal court and locked together in a federal prison where federal inmates routinely engage in violent, sadistic and animalistic homosexual activities, which the federal government celebrated this week in a Pride Month ceremony at the White House where federal officials illegally raised a rainbow flag above the American flag and were then arraigned in federal court, along with a transgender activist who took off his shirt at the federal event, revealing what I have to say were the best pair of knockers I’ve ever seen on a guy… so at least someone at the pride ceremony actually had something to be proud of.
White House Spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said President Biden was not concerned about his arraignment on bribery charges, and was planning to spend a relaxing weekend in the crumbling ruins of his gothic castle continuing his scientific experiments trying to turn boys into girls while the thunderstorm outside drowns out their pitiful screams. By Monday, the president should be back in the capital where he’s scheduled to engage in a running gun battle with police while speeding down K Street in a 1925 Roadster, firing his tommy gun out the window and screaming “You’ll never take me alive, John Law.” Miss Identity Hire said this will in no way detract from the pride the president plans to feel when he’s committing sodomy in federal prison.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, reacted to his arraignment by praying with supporters, telling them God would prevent his conviction or else God was a big fat loser. Then, grunting wordlessly, he abducted a local woman and carried her to the top of the Empire State Building, where he swatted away the World War I biplanes trying to shoot him down, causing his approval rating among Republicans to rise to 73%, nearly 50% higher than his nearest rival, the actual King Kong, although only the one from the black and white movie, not the one who couldn’t even manage to knock off those necklaces covering Jessica Lange’s breasts, which reportedly are almost as impressive as the ones on the guy at the pride event. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis meanwhile gave a speech to seventeen supporters in a Tallahassee gas station, revealing his fifteen point plan to undress Jessica Lange.
Now after a week like this, there are some people who say our government’s corruption, sexual deviance, international malfeasance, personal childishness, ceaseless lies, sexual deviance again and did I already mention corruption have reduced this once great country to the level of a banana republic only without the cool uniforms unless you happen to really be into studded leather. But no, I’m not going to say a single bad word about our government because, damn it, I still believe that I can avoid being indicted on some ridiculous politically motivated charge. Despite our troubles, I can always lift my eyes to the flag and say, “What schmucky freak hung a rainbow flag on the White House and how come he’s got such a nice rack?” After all, this country has seen bad times before, and sure, that was back when it was worth fighting for, but still, God is in his heaven and I can always turn to him and say, “Listen, God, if I can find 50 righteous people in this country, do you think you could keep from destroying it with fire and brimstone until my plane lands in Zurich?”
So just remember, no matter how unscrupulous our officials become, no matter how degenerate our sexual relations are, no matter how criminally our law officers behave, no matter how dishonest our news media is, no matter how twisted, degraded, sick and evil…. Eh, I forgot what I was saying. Anyway, I’ve gotta catch that plane.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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