You know, sometimes, in the hurly burly argle bargle mumbo jumbo of divisive political discourse, it becomes too easy for us to stop listening to the arguments of our opponents. Remember: we all want to see America thrive, and THEY all want to see America particlized in a self-aggrandizing orgy of violent destruction, then set on fire to destroy even the remaining traces of the personal liberty and prosperity we once spread not only from sea to shining sea but all around the world, so they can sweep away our flawed but magnificent nation and replace it with a socialist paradise that will quickly devolve into the hell of oppression and terror that has been the fate of every other socialist paradise while their misbegotten, ignorant and self-deceiving idealism slowly reveals itself to be nothing more than a ravenous hunger for power with its attendant sadistic cruelties.
But for a moment, let’s put those minor differences between us aside and see if we can try to understand our friends on the Left so we can begin to appreciate the goals and ideas that have turned them into such flaming dirt-bags.
For instance, take the riots in Los Angeles. They began when some Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers tried to arrest a number of illegal migrants for the purposes of deportation. Now sure, you could say the migrants had broken federal laws and the ICE agents are duly appointed federal law enforcement officers, working to roll back the slow-motion invasion of our country by unvetted illegals that took place during an administration run by sinister and faceless leftist operatives hiding behind the mindless shell of a once-sentient machine politician who had been propped up for half a century by an unimaginably corrupt corporate news media.
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But let’s look at the other side of the argument. We can’t just go around randomly sending child molesters and drug dealers back to their native countries. These are jobs Americans won’t do because they’re largely civilized people. And who will mow our lawns in order to weasel their way into our confidence and get closer to our children? You don’t want an untidy lawn, do you? And when you think of it in that larger context, you can see why masked thugs are pelting federal officers with rocks and torching cars and looting businesses while waving foreign flags to signal the fact they want to destroy the last best hope of civilization and replace it with whatever gangster-ocracy they just escaped from.
Now some of you might ask: who in the world would believe a crazy-ass argument like that? But let me ask you something: Did you know that 56% of young liberal white women have been treated for mental illness. Think about that the next time one of these ladies posts her support for the rioters. See, when you first hear that most liberal white girls are mentally ill, you probably think the mental illness is just something a little neurotic like when they won’t let you pay for dinner but then sleep with you anyway. But no, it turns out that talking to some of these dames is more like being trapped in Arkham Asylum desperately trying to escape from a shrieking Admiral Levine who’s coming after you with one of those emasculators they use to castrate bulls, and then just as you lock yourself in an abandoned broom closet and think you’ve escaped him or her or whatever the hell he is, you turn around and there’s some 21-year-old from UCLA screaming “globalize the intifada” and voting for Gavin Newsom, and just as you think you’re done for, you wake up in your own bed and whisper, “Oh thank God, it was only a dream,” and then roll over and, holy crap, she’s lying right next to you. And you didn’t even pay for dinner. And also Los Angeles is on fire.
So now that we understand that these riots have the full and enthusiastic support of young leftist white women shrieking at us unintelligibly from whatever enclave of privilege has made it possible for them to believe the nutty crap they believe, I think we can begin to have more civilized and serious conversations about providing air support to the National Guard.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
