Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious they’re almost like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window… because they’re fast and… well, never mind.

Anyway, I began to wonder: how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas to the sun-baked beaches of the Pacific Coast? So I decided I would take a look at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street — because that’s about all of them.

So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest rate in more than four years.

Here’s the headline from The Wall Street Journal: “Trump’s Tariffs to Cause Massive Inflation Very, Very Soon, Experts Who Predicted Massive Inflation Because of Trump’s Tariffs Very Soon Say.”

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Here’s One From The New York Times: “Hardworking Migrant Juan Ortega May Lose His Chicken Farm as Trump’s Policies Cause the Bottom to Fall Out of Egg Prices.”

And here’s the Report from NPR: “How Lower Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler,” a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.

Another news story: Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers India and Pakistan.

From The Wall Street Journal: “Nuclear Devastation Averted, Leaving Millions Alive to Suffer Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs, Experts who Predicted Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs Say.”

Or from The New York Times: “Environmentalists Worry that Trump’s Reckless Actions on the Indian Subcontinent Will Leave Earth’s Population at Levels Sure to Cause Devastating Climate Change.”

Or the story as reported by NBC News: “Biden’s Policy of Mindlessly Prolonging Foreign Wars to No Effect Finally Pays Big Dividends by Bringing Peace Deal Between India and Pakistan.”

In other news, Trump negotiated the release of Edan Alexander, the last living American hostage being held by vampiric Palestinian monsters.

The headline in The Wall Street Journal reads: “Released Hostage Finds Himself in a World Soon to be Wracked by Massive Inflation Caused by Trump’s Tariffs, According to Experts.”

The New York Times headline was: “Sad Little Palestinian Boy Jihad Muhammed Sharia Jihad Jihad Muhammed Sheds Sad Tears of Very Sad Sadness as Genocidal Israelis Steal the Wonderful Friend his Parents Kept Chained up for Him in the Basement.”

And of course, CNN featured an interview with a Columbia University professor who once read part of a book on Israel and says the Jews sound genocidal to him until Scott Jennings knocks him unconscious and jumps up and down on his face.

Then there was the news that Donald Trump had negotiated several trillion dollars in American investment from Saudi Arabia.

The Wall Street Journal reported the story with the headline: “Saudis Want to Invest in America but Whoa Nellie, Just Wait Till They See the Massive Inflation that’s Going to be Caused by Trump’s Tariffs Any Day Now, Experts Say.”

The Headline in The New York Times reads: “Sad Yale Historian Who Studies Fascism Says He Is Leaving America Because Trump’s Presidency Will Look Just Like Fascism as Soon as It Looks Like Fascism.”

And CBS reported: “Weak Trump Caves to Saudi Demands that he take their Money.”

In other news, Trump struck a deal with China to free us from their hammerlock on our supply lines, brought down drug prices, bombed the Houthis into submission, opened U.K. markets to American farmers, made progress on a nuclear deal with Iran, and the headlines say….. oh, screw it.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Former Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy has a clear path to the GOP nomination for Ohio governor after the state’s attorney general, Dave Yost, announced on Friday that he is suspending his short-lived campaign.

Yost said his chances went from a “steep climb” to “a vertical cliff” after the Ohio GOP through its support behind Ramaswamy last week for the 2026 race, The Columbus Dispatch reported.

“I do not wish to divide my political party or my state with a quixotic battle over the small differences between my vision and that of my opponent. I am simply not that important,” Yost added.

President Donald Trump backed Ramaswamy’s bid immediately after the tech entrepreneur launched his campaign in February. Ramaswamy was initially set to work in the Trump administration alongside Elon Musk and the Department of Government Efficiency, but it was revealed on Inauguration Day that he would not serve in that role.

Yost said he wants Republicans to focus on defeating Democrats instead of a “family squabble.”

“Columbus needs re-engineering, not demolition,” Yost wrote in a letter to his supporters. “Sherrod Brown and the risky progressive ideas of his party will unwind all of the good that the last 15 years of Republican leadership has brought. This is a time to protect Ohio, not a time for a family squabble.”

Ramaswamy praised Yost in a statement and said that the attorney general will continue to play a role in the state’s political future.

“Congratulations to Dave on running a thoughtful campaign,” Ramaswamy said. “He has served Ohio with great dedication, and I am confident he will continue to play an important role in shaping the future of our state and our nation.”

While the Ohio GOP rallies behind Ramaswamy, Lt. Governor Jim Tressel — the former Ohio State football coach — said last week that he is considering jumping into the race, NBC News reported. Tressel was tapped by current Republcian Gov. Mike DeWine to become lieutenant governor after Jim Husted was appointed to fill the Senate seat left vacant by Vice President JD Vance.

“What has been a surprise, and it has been humbling, is how many people are encouraging me to run for Governor,” Tressel said.

“I have not decided yet, but when I became Lieutenant Governor in February, Ellen told me that it seemed like God had more work for me to do, and she was right,” he added, referring to his wife. “While I have not ruled out a run for Governor — and there will be a time in the future for those conversations — for now, I will remain focused on helping Ohioans get off the sidelines and into our workforce so they can reach their full potential.”

In the GOP primary, Ramaswamy’s only declared opponent is Heather Hill, the former president of the Morgan County, Ohio, School Board, who is running a longshot bid.

On the Democratic side, the former director of the Ohio Department of Health, Amy Acton, is the only candidate who has jumped into the race. Along with former Sen. Brown, former U.S. Democratic Rep. Tim Ryan has expressed interest in running for Ohio governor.