Democrats and other misprints in the Book of Life are celebrating a rare victory after a weekend of “No Kings” protests resulted in there being no American kings.

The Democrat comeback ended a frustrating period of months in which party officials sought for some way to convince the American electorate that they were not just hollow glove puppets being manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis, while still remaining true to their goal of being hollow glove puppets manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis.

The turnaround came after Chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Abaddon Pazuzu, delivered a rousing and inspiring speech to the golden statue of a goat-headed god, saying, “Oh Lord of Darkness, come to our aid so that we may know we haven’t traded away our souls in vain. We have sought to win back the love of the American people by setting their cities on fire, interfering with their law enforcement officers in the rightful performance of their duties, mutilating their children, persecuting their politicians, silencing their opinions, dividing them into hostile camps according to their various races, and shutting their churches and synagogues while simultaneously cheering on acts of Islamist terror so horrifying in their apocalyptic evil we thought they’d be sure to win at least as loyal a following as Nancy Pelosi. And yet somehow, nothing we’ve done has managed to recapture the affection of the nation we’re trying so desperately to destroy. Guide our steps to success, oh unholy one, so that we might raise our approval ratings, which are in double digits only when expressed as fractions.”

Shortly after this address, the DNC staged the nationwide “No Kings” protests, which were so successful even the protesters themselves were amazed. As one 80-year-old wearing the rags of what used to be a Woodstock t-shirt wrote in his leatherette-bound diary, “I was beginning to worry I had wasted my life supporting delusional policies that promised utopia but instead turned everything they touched to crap. But now, in a single weekend, our protests managed to reduce Donald Trump from a mighty king to nothing but the President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most lethal fighting force on earth. I feel my dreams have become a reality for the first time since we put an end to all wars by ushering in the Age of Aquarius.”

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Left-Wing Activist Bruce Flapjaw, president of the Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages — or E-I-E-I-O — celebrated the victory with a jubilant press release, saying “With the geriatric Trump forming a far-right monarchy in network newscasts and other fantasies, we were able to mobilize thousands of know-nothing political quacks, geriatric white women in mu-mus, and ivy league educated dumb-clucks until, with a mu-mu here and a mu-mu there, here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a dumb-cluck, old man Donald’s far-right form was expelled by the E-I-E-I-O.”

The Democrats mean to follow up their triumph later in the summer with a nationwide series of “No Alchemist” protests, pledging that they will not relent until they have rid the nation of every long-bearded man in a conical starry cap who is trying to turn lead into gold.

Excited by the success of the Democrats in expelling the kings from the U.S., Right-Wing anti-semites plan to follow suit, staging their own protests against imaginary outrages by declaring they will not die for Israel. The Groypers say they plan to illustrate their protest signs with pictures of doughty Christian knights to show what a brave and noble thing it is not to do what no one is asking them to do but what they would eventually have to do if the Jews weren’t currently doing it for them. After the “I Will Not Die for Israel” marches, the Groypers plan to gather to celebrate the triumphant fact that not one of them has died for Israel, marking the accomplishment by unleashing a barrage of social media posts, spelling the word Jew with two o’s to proclaim to all the world that they don’t know how to spell the word Jew.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Florida State Senator Jay Collins has spent the last six days in Cyprus, Israel, and Jordan helping Americans evacuate Israel amid the country’s conflict with Iran.

Collins, who is teaming up with Grey Bull Rescue and acting as the liaison for the State of Florida, told The Daily Wire that there are just under 5,000 Americans on the list to leave.

“We’re doing all that we can,” Collins told The Daily Wire. “It’s time to get our people home.”

Collins’ team has been assisting Americans traveling to Jordanian airports to get on chartered flights back to the United States. They also assisted in evacuating about 1,500 Americans who were on a 10-day Birthright trip to Israel, arranging for them to take a cruise ship to Cyprus, where they were able to board flights home.

Collins said Florida, under the leadership of Governor Ron DeSantis, is the only state government playing a role in evacuating Americans, including those who are not Floridians. According to Collins, Florida is providing some logistical and financial support.

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“We’re the only state doing this,” he said. “I think that leadership matters, we stand for our people and we are willing to protect them, and that’s what we are going to do,” he said.

Florida also played a role in the aftermath of October 7 by evacuating 200 Americans and sending two large planes to Israel with 85 pallets of donated supplies.

U.S. Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee announced that the State Department is working on getting military, commercial and charter flights, as well as cruise ships to help Americans evacuate as well.

Collins said he has seen a wide variety of Americans evacuate, including elderly people and families with young children.

“Overwhelmingly, many of them thought the Iron Dome was impenetrable, but when these supersonic missiles started landing, it really rocked people’s world,” he said. “It’s just a different kind of munition that they’ve seen in other conflicts. It’s very real.”

Collins shared that one evacuee thought “everything was going to be fine until he saw a drone fly by his window.”

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Newsweek’s senior editor-at-large, Josh Hammer, was one of the evacuees who worked with Collins and Grey Bull Rescue, fleeing with his wife and six-month-old daughter this week.

“For four days after that, we more or less stayed put and tried to ride out the storm,” Hammer said, adding that he decided to leave after an Iranian ballistic missile struck the town near where he was staying on Sunday night. “We made frequent visits to the basement bomb shelter in the home where we were staying, having to be ready at a moment’s notice to jump out of a deep sleep and seek emergency protection ASAP in the wee hours of the morning.”

For some personal news —

As you may recall, I was in Israel when the IDF began its operations in Iran last week. For four days after that, we more or less stayed put and tried to ride out the storm. We made frequent visits to the basement bomb shelter in the home where we were…

— Josh Hammer (@josh_hammer) June 19, 2025

“I love my Israeli friends and recently published an entire book on this topic,” Hammer added. “But I had to do the only responsible thing a father in my situation would do — get us out.”

Since the conflict began, Iran has launched more than 450 missiles at Israel, with 50 making impact. A total of 24 Israelis have been killed, and 1,217 injured — including 12 in serious condition, 37 moderately injured, and 1,156 with minor injuries. More than 30,735 property damage claims have been filed, and 8,190 people have been evacuated from their homes.

“Grey Bull Rescue’s expertise on the ground is unquestionable,” Collins said. “CEO Bryan Stern and members of his board are incredibly gifted.”

Stern’s nonprofit is credited with saving 117 Americans stranded in Afghanistan following former President Joe Biden’s chaotic military withdrawal.

In the next mission, Collins says he hopes to evacuate 300 to 600 people. While the group still has the ability to use ships, Collins says that, as of now, they prefer using chartered jets.

Collins said he has had a positive experience working with the Israeli government — which is currently running repatriation flights for thousands of Israelis stranded overseas.

“The Israelis have been incredibly supportive,” he said. “The entire government has been supportive, and the Jordanians as well. I couldn’t ask for more, frankly.”

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Collins, a Green Beret and combat veteran who lost his leg due to injuries while serving in Afghanistan, said he remains focused while operating under missile attacks and is grateful for Israel’s early missile warning system.

“This is just another theater,” he said. “Israel has an incredible early warning system that gives us a heads-up. I’ve been in combat, and I am not afraid of it, but I respect it. I am just focused on getting our people home.”

Collins said he is unsure if the conflict will come to an end soon, but pointed out the options on the table.

“Either Iran is going to back down or Israel is going to back down, which is highly unlikely,” he said. “It could become an all-out conflict, or there could be an uprising in Iran which leads to a shift back to the Shah and away from Iran’s current regime, which would be amazing. Under the Shah, Iran was much more free, and had a better relationship with America. It would be great for the Middle East.”