The Supreme Court this week heard major cases on whether men who think they’re women because they’re mentally ill should be able to play sports with women who think they’re women because they’re women. The cases were a chance for the court to explore the question: is it fair for men who feel like women to play women’s sports or are we living in reality where that would be the sort of question only a nerdy nine-year-old boy would ask just before cracking up at his own joke and then making a series of snorting noises that ends with his accidentally blowing snot on his I Heart Stranger Things T-shirt?

In the event, the case was argued before a gathering of fine legal minds and Ketanji Brown Jackson. The trans-athletes were represented by the famous attorney Foster Closterfockolus who was hired by the Roland Dinghead Memorial Fund, which was named in honor of the famous trans-athlete, a girl who identified as male and joined a men’s boxing club, then sadly died.

Mr. Closterfockolus made the argument that — in theory — there are no real advantages to men who play women’s sports, so we should all live in theory instead of on earth where the idea is completely absurd. Judging by their responses to his argument, the justices seemed divided between those justices with IQ’s higher than a bowl of Cheerios and Ketanji Brown Jackson.

The highlight of Mr. Closterfockolus’s argument was when he conjured up the cherished memory of transgender athletes from the past, like Abner Skullfog, a girl who identified as male and joined the local men’s ice hockey team, then, sadly, died. Mr. Closterfockolus said that to ban boys who identify as girls from girls’ sports would be to betray the memory of such pioneers who gave the last measure of devotion to free us from the shackles of sanity and common sense. Mr. Closterfockulus actually fought back tears as he went on to tell the story of another historic transgender innovator, Henry Blither, a woman who identified as a man and managed to join an NFL football team, then, sadly, died — though not before breaking through the Steelers’ offensive line to sack Aaron Rodgers.

When Mr. Closterfockolus concluded his arguments, he was peppered with incisive questions by the brilliant justices and one from Ketanji Brown Jackson. Jackson asked, “If a man wears a skirt that’s a really soft shade of pink and has girly pleats with maybe a flower pattern, like little roses weaving in a kind of floaty, dream-like feminine way, and that skirt makes him very attractive to the sort of burly man who walks around with his shoulders and arms swinging, and then suddenly he sees this boy in his pretty pink skirt, and okay, it doesn’t develop into anything, but he takes a second look before becoming disgusted with himself, couldn’t we then say that the first boy is as much a female as that gruff detective on the HBO show about Easttown or is the whole scenario of three different local women getting kidnapped by the same man just too unbelievable?”

The next probing question came from Justice Alito who asked the attorney, “What the hell is that moron talking about and how in God’s name did she get on the Supreme Court?”

Throughout the questioning, the Justices tried to be respectful to the defendants by using their preferred pronouns without giggling, which unfortunately proved impossible.

After the question period was over, the attorney for the states banning men in women’s sports, Joan Dark, stood before the justices and wept quietly for twenty minutes before answering questions, including another intricate inquiry from Alito, who said, “Why couldn’t that dementia-riddled puddlehead of a president find a black woman who had been to law school, or could at least form an English sentence?”

But the final argument startled the justices when it came from a resonant disembodied voice that shook the courtroom, saying, “I created mankind in my image, male and female, and if you’re wondering why I didn’t ask your opinion about it, it’s because I’m omniscient and I knew there would one day be a justice on the Supreme Court who was dumber than a bowl of Cheerios.”

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Renee Good had apparent gunshot wounds to her chest, forearm, and possibly head, according to documents released by the Minneapolis Fire Department on Thursday.

The fire department sent documents to media outlets, which stated that first responders “found two apparent gunshot wounds to the patient’s right chest [and] one apparent gunshot wound to the patient’s left forearm,” ABC News reported. The documents also stated that it’s possible she was struck on the left side of her head.

Good, 37, was shot and killed by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent in Minneapolis last week after she drove her SUV toward the agent during a confrontation with federal law enforcement. Video shows Good’s Honda Pilot striking ICE agent, Jonathan Ross, and three shots are heard before Good’s vehicle careens down the street and crashes into a parked car.

Minneapolis officials said that after the shooting, first responders removed Good from her vehicle and moved her down the street “for a more workable scene, better access for ambulances, and separation from an escalating scene involving law enforcement and bystanders.” When first responders arrived, Good was “unresponsive, not breathing, with inconsistent, irregular, thready pulse activity,” according to the fire department’s report. She was transported to the hospital, where she was later pronounced dead.

Good, who was actively involved in monitoring ICE’s actions in the city, was in the area of the ICE operation on January 7 as anti-ICE demonstrators followed the federal agents, with some people filming them. Good parked her car in the middle of the road as agents moved down the street in a convoy of vehicles. When one agent attempted to open her car door, Good put the car in reverse and then drove forward while another agent was standing in front of the vehicle. That agent then shot and killed Good.

The shooting death sparked more than a week of protests in Minneapolis, which remain ongoing, as the city’s leaders condemn ICE and accuse President Donald Trump of “creating chaos” with his deployment of federal immigration agents. The Trump administration, meanwhile, has backed agent Ross and said that Good engaged in an act of “domestic terrorism.”

Despite his administration labeling Good a domestic terrorist, Trump told CBS News earlier this week that “under normal circumstances,” Good was most likely a “very solid, wonderful person.” He added that her actions during the confrontation with ICE were “pretty tough.”

“When you look at that tape, it can be viewed two ways I guess, but when you look at the way that car pulled away — there are a couple versions of that tape that are very, very bad,” Trump said.

In the interview with CBS News, the president defended ICE’s actions and said that federal immigration agents are “working very hard” to detain illegal immigrants, but “their job is being made very, very difficult.”