At the beginning of every New Year, journalists, and other flagrant abusers of God’s precious gift of life, make lists of predictions about what will happen in the year to come. Turning their corruption-riddled minds to politics and culture and other topics they know absolutely nothing about, journalists forecast absurd scenarios that would confirm them in all the boneheaded prejudices that made their reporting such utterly useless crap-fountains in the year that just ended.
But unlike journalists, we at the Daily Wire are committed to telling the truth. And the truth is we have no freaking clue what’s going to happen in the next ten minutes let alone the months ahead. The future’s not ours to see, as Doris Day said, shortly after she let out an ear-piercing scream that startled the assassin so that he only wounded the ambassador, leaving Jimmy Stewart free to find his kidnapped son and knock the kidnapper down a flight of stairs to his death, a conclusion that makes absolutely no sense if you stop and think about it for even a minute.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
Since predicting the future is very popular and since no one knows the future, the Daily Wire has developed a system for forecasting the events of the year that is far more scientifically consistent than any other. Namely, we just make stuff up and hope we get lucky and can create the illusion that we’re much smarter than we are.
So here are my predictions for 2026.
In early March, a tarantula the size of the Chrysler Building will descend on New York City and begin to devour the inhabitants, who will find this a welcome relief from the policies of Zohran Mamdani. President Donald Trump will rush to the scene, armed only with an emerald-encrusted titanium sword he borrowed from Glenn Beck’s collection of titanium swords encrusted with various precious gems. Trump will single-handedly slay the spider, whereupon Democrats will condemn this violation of the arachnid rights guaranteed in our Constitution, and will spend the rest of the month having cocktails and photo ops with sad-looking tarantulas around the country, before heading to local hospitals to be treated for bites. “The View” will dedicate an entire show to the long history of anti-tarantula bias, until a guest tarantula crawls over Sunny Hostin’s hand, causing her to let out a high-pitched shriek that goes on for ten uninterrupted minutes before anyone realizes this is not just her usual commentary. At CBS News, meanwhile, editor-in-chief Bari Weiss will come under fire when she pounds a tarantula to death with a high-heeled shoe before anyone has time to explain to her that it was on its way to be interviewed for “60 Minutes.” And Candace Owens will announce that a spider the size of the Chrysler Building could only have been created by God, proving once again that a Jew is to blame.
In the culture, Netflix Chief of Content Bela Bajaria will proclaim that all married couples in Netflix movies must be mixed race and all children must be homosexual unless they’re transgender in which case they can be heterosexual because that would be homosexual. When Netflix’s audience share sinks to zero percent, Mrs. Bajaria will tell interviewers, “Our pictures are still big. It’s the audience that got small,” and then descend a long staircase declaring, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille,” before being carted off to a mental institution or to become head of Warner Brothers, depending on how the deal turns out.
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz will step down, resting on his accomplishments of watching Minneapolis burn to the ground while Somalians bilked American taxpayers out of billions of Somolians. Or possibly Somolians bilked us out of Somalians. Either way, they should both go back where they came from.
Finally, Democrats will take back the House in the mid-terms, and immediately move to impeach Trump for flagrantly causing world peace and American prosperity. Republicans will keep the Senate, but Chuck Schumer will reassure journalists, “The government is still big, it’s the people who got small,” and then descend a staircase declaring, “I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille,” before he’s devoured by a gigantic tarantula.
All right, that last part is just a personal daydream of mine.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
