After an in-depth five-year investigation with nothing to go on but a laptop full of evidence of widespread Biden family corruption that included payoffs to the president of the United States, the Department of Justice has finally managed to force the president’s son and bag man Hunter Biden to plead guilty to a misdemeanor in return for no jail time, and a period of community service in the influence peddling industry.

Attorney General Merrick “Scarface” Garland said the deal should finally lay to rest charges that he was meting out justice unfairly when his DOJ recently charged Donald Trump with espionage, a charge that carries a penalty of execution by firing squad in the event Trump is found guilty by an army officer above the rank of Second Lieutenant or Rachel Maddow. That charge came after investigators caught Trump on video, watching a rerun of “From Russia with Love” in a suspicious manner, and also received damning testimony from a witness described as being a friend of Bill Kristol — which I guess would have to be Bill Kristol.

In a statement released to his pals at the Ravenite Social Club in Little Italy, Attorney General Merrick “Baby Face” Garland said it should now be clear to Americans and other suckers that DOJ investigators were willing to bring the full force of the law against all Republicans equally. Garland and his buddies then chuckled darkly and continued counting the stacks of quarters they had acquired by emptying local parking meters.

Hunter Biden pled guilty to misdemeanor tax evasion after an investigation by Attorney General Merrick “Machine Gun” Garland revealed that Hunter had under-reported his 2017 income as 1.5 million dollars, thereby not including the five million dollars he received in bribes from Ukraine. Hunter had originally claimed that the bribe money should not count as his income because he had immediately passed it on to the “Big Guy,” but after a 27-hour interview with investigators working for Attorney General Merrick “Joey Bananas” Garland, Biden agreed to plead guilty to the tax evasion charge, on condition he would not receive jail time but would instead receive a free Tesla Model X and an all-expenses paid two-week vacation in Odessa. While some complained that other tax offenders, like actor Wesley Snipes, had received jail time for similar crimes, Attorney General Merrick “Junior Lollipops” Garland said the two cases were very different because Hunter Biden is a white man.

While the plea deal ends this five-year phase of the Hunter Biden investigation, Attorney General Merrick “Icepick Willie” Garland, says the DOJ is still looking into other possible charges against the President’s son and bag man. For instance, after Hunter left the body of a dead hooker in a Bangkok gutter, he may be charged with littering. After Hunter hurried across a street to deliver a duffel bag filled with Ukrainian greenbacks to his father, he may be charged with jaywalking. And after Hunter spent six weeks so stoned on crack cocaine he couldn’t find the library, he could be forced to pay $32 in overdue fines.

Critics of the investigation point out that it was Joe Biden himself who, in 1986, drafted the crime bill that delivered tremendously harsh sentences for the use of crack cocaine. That bill led to an increase of over a million people in American prisons. But according to Attorney General Merrick “Big Tuna” Garland, Hunter’s case is different from those cases because Hunter is a white man.

Attorney General Merrick “Jackie the Nose” Garland says the DOJ will now feel free to continue its investigation into the crimes of Donald Trump, including a charge of high treason for delaying the business of the United States government by causing Democrats to hate him so much they impeached him for no reason. The charge carries a possible sentence of life in prison if Trump is convicted by a show of hands or just a general sense among the right sort of people that he isn’t really very nice.

Meanwhile, with the Hunter Biden plea deal behind him, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden issued a statement along with Dr. Mrs. First Lady Madam Jill Biden saying, “Jill and I are glad to see that Hunter is finally taking responsibility for his actions, now where’s my cut of the money?”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Major League Baseball (MLB) is focusing on diversity efforts to increase the recruitment of black players.

MLB’s efforts are already yielding results. A growing number of players primed to go pro are black. MLB told AP News that approximately 15 percent of the players featured in a recent showcase preceding July’s draft were black.

In last year’s draft, four of the first five players selected were black: a first in MLB’s history. All four hailed from the DREAM Series, an MLB camp for young black players. MLB reported in April that their diversity efforts had yielded black players making up 13 percent of the top 100 selections.

MLB projected that 11 black players would be among the top 100 players for this year’s draft, with at least 49 percent of those anticipated players qualifying as diversity drafts.

The increased diversity yield may be credited to MLB’s numerous initiatives and hundreds of millions in funding dedicated specifically to training up black players.

Zion Rose, one of the combine players poised to participate in the upcoming draft, credited MLB’s diversity initiatives for his exposure to scouts, as well as significant figures like former players and coaches. Former MLB player Chris Young concurred, crediting the MLB’s diversity initiatives for lessening the financial burden for up-and-coming black players.

In 2021, MLB committed to give $100 million and raise $50 million over the course of a decade to increase the number of black baseball players. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred said that the goal was to see more non-white players on the field.

“We want young people, period, playing the game: particularly young people of color,” said Manfred.

The millions in funding were issued in a partnership with The Players Alliance: a nonprofit of current and former MLB players launched amid the summer of Black Lives Matter (BLM) rioting in response to George Floyd’s death. The Players Alliance shares a similar logo to BLM, with one exception: while BLM has three yellow lines on a black background, the alliance has two yellow lines and one white line on a black background.

With their millions in funding, the alliance has launched a mentorship program, donated baseball equipment, and created exclusive scholarship, internship, and employment opportunities for black individuals. 

The $150 million was in addition to an initial $10 million pledge issued in 2020. 

The board chair of The Players Alliance, Curtis Granderson, said the MLB support made their equity work possible.

“As the stark racial minority in all aspects of our game, The Players Alliance has given a voice and platform to our black players, unified in our stance against systemic racism,” said Granderson. “We stand together for what is right and to change our game for the better. The power of our player membership, including our non-black teammates, coupled with the support of MLB and the Players Association, gives us the unique ability to create increased opportunities for the black communities we care so much about.”

The Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport estimated in their annual Racial and Gender Report Card released last week that black players made up about six percent of all players on opening day rosters. That’s one percent less than last year, and one-third of the total from 1991. However, the institute reported that the number of non-white MLB players increased to 40 percent this year. Latinos and Hispanics make up the largest bulk of the diverse crowd, accounting for 30 percent of the players.

In response to the latest demographics of black participation in baseball, MLB Senior Vice President of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Billy Bean promised that the organization was prioritizing the recruitment of black players.

“We have extensive programs through all stages of player development to increase Black participation in baseball,” said Bean. “We are encouraged by the progress being made at various levels of the pipeline. Diversity remains a top priority for our entire industry and we are committed to this as a long-term effort.”

In addition to the DREAM Series, the MLB also has the Breakthrough Series and the Hank Aaron Invitational, diversity initiatives with predominant participation from young black players. The latter program has yielded 94 percent of graduating alumni securing collegiate and professional baseball opportunities.