The Daily Wire has obtained the original script to Joe Biden’s speech declaring he will not run for re-election. The script is handwritten in a fetching blend of Crayola colors including Permanent Geranium, Macaroni and Cheese, and Dandelion, and it reads as follows, “My fellow Geraniums. No, wait, that’s the color of the crayon. What am I writing here? Oh yes, I remember now: My fellow Geraniums. In the course of my pretending to be president, the people who were really in charge have accomplished many things. We’ve addressed climate change with a bill called the Inflation Reduction Act for some reason. I guess we were trying to make you think we were reducing inflation. In fact, we were taking all your money and sending it to our friends in the sustainable energy business, so now instead of putting gasoline in your car and driving around all the time, you’ll be able to just sit still by the side of the road and get some serious thinking done. You can ask yourself the big questions, like: ‘What does sustainable even mean in this context?’ and ‘Why isn’t my car moving?’ So that’s one thing we accomplished. And then, as dedicated progressives, we made the price of eggs progress from a dollar forty to almost five bucks, so I guess that whole progressive joke’s on you.

Now, however, I find I can no longer do the things required to run for office, like run for office, or even walk without falling down, or talk in complete sentences or think above the level of a tomato. And so, instead of taking on the complex tasks of campaigning, I will henceforth restrict my activities to being President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of a war machine that includes enough nuclear weapons to set the earth ricocheting through the solar system like a pachinko ball. And you may ask, well, if you can’t perform tasks like standing slack-jawed in front of a microphone and reading off a teleprompter in a manner the media can at least pretend is coherent, how will you handle the complex life-and-death decisions that go with the presidency? But that’s a ridiculous question. For one thing, it’s so long I’ve already forgotten the first part of it, and without that, the second part is just a meaningless string of words — and then suddenly there’s a question mark! Who could have seen that coming?

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So as I step down, I want to endorse what’s-her-name, that sort of black woman who keeps cackling all the time, because she’s the type of candidate the Democrat party deserves after stabbing me in the back like this. And that goes double for my “good buddy” Barack. What a snake in the grass that guy is. I didn’t realize when he said he had my back, he was acquiring a target. I should have known after he threw me over for that other cackling hen of corruption, the white one, what was her name, Hillary. What is it with Obama always trying to get cackling, corrupt women elected president, it’s like some kind of fetish, like me sniffing little girls’ hair. It doesn’t make any sense, or I don’t know, maybe that’s just the dementia talking.

So that’s it for me. But don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Not on foot anyway, especially if there are stairs or even just stuff lying around on the floor, that can be treacherous too. I’m just going to lie here and be president and hope nothing too difficult happens, like war or economics, because I’m way beyond being able to handle stuff like that. And watch out for all those new voters we let in through the southern border — God knows what they’ll get up to. Whatever it is, let’s hope it’s not too loud when it goes off. It’s hard enough getting to sleep with Jill rattling on and on about that snake Obama until the medication kicks in, and even then she snores like a hedgehog.

Finally, let me just say that I couldn’t have done all this without you, the American people, pretending I was all right. That actually goes for my whole career. I mean really, what a bunch of saps.”

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

The co-founder of the world’s largest and most powerful drug trafficking organization was arrested on U.S. soil this week after being duped by a leader of rival faction inside the cartel.

Ismael “El Mayo” Zambada, 76, a top leader and the co-founder of the Sinaloa Cartel, was lured onto a plane on Thursday by 38-year-old Joaquín Guzmán López, the son of Mexican drug cartel kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera, who is locked up in the U.S. for the rest of his life after being convicted on numerous federal charges.

Joaquín Guzmán López allegedly got Zambada to board the plane by telling him that they were going to look at real estate in a different part of Mexico.

However, the Beechcraft King Air plane that they boarded turned north and landed just across the border in New Mexico at a small airport right next to El Paso where both men were quickly arrested by federal law enforcement officials.

The Daily Wire spoke with a retired U.S. law enforcement narcotics expert who worked in the field in both the U.S. and Mexico against drug cartels who confirmed that Zambada was lured onto the plane under “false pretenses.”

They were reportedly looking at clandestine landing strips that were built for drug trafficking routes and at property where they could set up drug labs, the former official, who requested to speak on anonymity to preserve their sources within the Mexican government, said.

“Joaquín Guzmán López and his brother Ovidio Guzmán López, who is jailed in the U.S. awaiting trial, are considered the least influential of Los Chapitos,” the former official said.

El Chapo’s sons, who are collectively known as the Chapitos, are at war with the faction of the Sinaloa Cartel that Zambada runs because they blame him for their father’s arrest in 2016. The Chapitos are known for being flashy and being hyper-violent toward their rivals, including feeding them alive to tigers.

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The former official spoke to Mexican law enforcement officials who said that Zambada’s arrest has stunned Mexico’s top political, law enforcement, and military leaders — many of whom are “s****ing bricks” because they are worried that Zambada will reveal the extent of their involvement in drug trafficking, including accepting bribes, targeting the cartel’s rivals, providing safe passage corridors for drug shipments, and covering up a wide-range of crimes.

It was unclear why Joaquín Guzmán López decided to finally turn himself in since U.S. law enforcement had been encouraging him to do so for years.

Zambada has never spent any time in a jail or prison facility in either the U.S. or Mexico. He previously stated in a 2010 interview that he would rather “kill myself” than be locked up because he was “terrified of being incarcerated.”

Zambada has been charged in numerous U.S. indictments over the last two decades and will likely spend the rest of his life in prison if convicted.

Zambada was arraigned in federal court on Friday in El Paso where a judge read him all the charges that he faces in the U.S.

The Sinaloa Cartel is the largest and most powerful drug trafficking organization in the world and is by far the largest exporter of illicit fentanyl and methamphetamine to drug markets in the U.S.